#1
i want to say that this is one of my better songs, but i'm terrible at judging. ah well.

------------------------


she lies on the floor
surrounded by empty bottles
and needles from the night before

i wish she knew
that somewhere out there
somebody cares and wants her
loves to see her smile and be happy

i didn't ask for an angel
i asked for you
i understand it now
no one can see it from your view
but everybody has a reason to survive
and i'm working my hardest
just to keep you alive

your pain and memories
i listen to and think
about the things you've said to me
but we need one last drink

things have changed
since we first started
but nothing is still okay
i would hold you in my arms
but i'm afraid you'd slip away

i didn't ask for an angel
i asked for you
i understand it now
no one can see it from your view
but everybody has a reason to survive
and i'm working my hardest
just to keep you alive

we're only friends
but when i look into your eyes
so dark, empty and endless
i can see your fear filled lies

now we both lay on the ground
useless empty bottles
and needles surround
but i understand it now
what i couldn't see
these lives we live
are both our tragedies

but the freedom and happiness
comes at a painful price
injections and broken string
only hold to suffice

we're in each other's worlds now
colorful and alone
the floor is cold
but we've both been shown

i didn't ask for an angel
i asked for you
i understand it now
no one can see it from your view
but everybody has a reason to survive
and i'm working my hardest
just to keep you alive
Last edited by zymn at Sep 8, 2009,
#2
...Beatiful. Really deep, I like it, good catchy chorus, and I think the overall theme is something alot of ppl can relate to.
#3
Quote by zymn
i want to say that this is one of my better songs, but i'm terrible at judging. ah well.

------------------------


she lies on the floor
surrounded by empty bottles
and needles from the night before - Good job of rhyming here.

i wish she knew
that somewhere out there
somebody cares and wants her
loves to see her smile and be happy
that person is me - You could have found a better way to say "this person is me." It would have been much better if you had subtly implied this instead of just bluntly blurting it out.

i didn't ask for an angel
i asked for you
i understand it now
no one can see it from your view
but everybody has a reason to survive
and i'm working my hardest
just to keep you alive

your pain and memories
i listen to and think
about the things you've said to me
and why we're living on the brink - Forced rhyme here, I felt.

things have changed
since we first started
but nothing is still okay - Nothing is still okay doesn't make much sense...
i would hold you in my arms
but i'm afraid you'd slip away

i didn't ask for an angel
i asked for you
i understand it now
no one can see it from your view
but everybody has a reason to survive
and i'm working my hardest
just to keep you alive

we're only friends
but when i look into your eyes
those dark never ending voids
i can almost see what you despise - Once again, I thought this seemed forced.

now we both lay on the ground
useless empty bottles
and needles surround
but i understand it now
what i couldn't see
these lives we live
are both our tragedies

but the freedom and happiness
comes at a painful price - What freedom and happiness? You just said something about tragedies..
injections and broken string
only hold to suffice

we're in each other's worlds now
colorful and alone - colorful? The last word I think of when reading this is anything resembling colorful.
the floor is cold
but we've both been shown - Been shown what? This makes no sense.

i didn't ask for an angel
i asked for you
i understand it now
no one can see it from your view
but everybody has a reason to survive
and i'm working my hardest
just to keep you alive


A couple forced rhymes, a couple incoherent lines, but other than that, pretty solid.

If you have time, you could take a look at the link in my sig.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
thanks. and the freedom and happiness is talking about the drugs and pills.
#5
I found some parts didnt work too well but as a whole i really do like the piece.
Like ganoosh said, the line "this person is me" didnt sit well with me. It seemed like you were allready implying that before you said that line.
I did enjoy the chorus, particularly "i didnt ask for an angel". I like how its not really a part of the story, more of an overall perspective on the whole situation, so that when you switch back and forth between the verses and the chorus, its not one big story.

c4c? i just posted something called giants
Quote by pengiunman
Hahaha you crack me up swansareroadkil.

:can't think of a smiley to put, your too cool:
#7
thanks both of you. and yeah, i'll definitely think of a better last verse for that second stanza.
#8
alright i tried to change the things that you guys had some problems with, but the one line i'm still not happy with is

your pain and memories
i listen to and think
about the things you've said to me
but we need one last drink

i've no idea how to make the last line not have a forced rhyme. but i also decided to just completely remove the "that person is me". it really didn't need to be there.