#1
C4C ( leave link )

[ This was supposed to be for the word-drop competition but I fucked up because I'm an idiot and I can't read. ]


Here we are, in an emptiness
of incomprehensibilities
composed by our mistakes.
A year and a half
in the shape of a wick slowly poked
that never was found so
near of its fate. We provoked
our own dismemberment.
Do you remember when
we seemed invincible?
Do you remember how much we laughed
and defended our longevity?
We would fill our ego with pride;
tell the story of our life to our
sons and grandsons and wait for them to
follow the example, instead
of the world’s weathering of love.

This vacuum, this stagnancy
reminds us of a beach with
an ever ebb-tide that became
victim of an overflow.
The trail of our footsteps
along this tramp erased by
a wave in a mere second.
Our vestigial bodies,
still unknown to the art of
swimming, found themselves swathed
by a water that leeched the air,
pouring into their lungs and
eating their insides.
Our tick tick boom
was only tick tick torturing us.
Do you know when they say
that the more we look at time,
the slower it looks? I'd
like to look at time
for time enough
to make time stop now,
before it’s too late to tread
over the same sand again,
with the hope that the tide lows
forever; to get out of
this emptiness before we
lock ourselves in it with
hateful thoughts, that we don’t even
hug ourselves involved by the
explosive particles
hugging our bodies.

We die, my dear perdition.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 9, 2009,
#2
You said some stuff I've never thought of saying, but wanted to. If this is a song, don't use vocal fry. This is beautiful.
#3
I found the bottle-neck design to be very disorienting and forced the point to be unclear. I see it's attractiveness, but it wasn't either subtle enough, or absurdly beautiful.
This was difficult to read. And I'm not sure whether there's a point to that or not. It seems that there may be but I haven't figured it out, yet.

Here we are, in
an emptiness of
incomprehensibilities
I really like this. It introduces memorable tactics you often employ: odd line breaks and obscurely long words.
composed by our mistakes.
I wasn't keen on this, though. It was jerky and ugly. The word “composed” just didn't fit here.
A year and a half
in the shape of a wick
slowly poked
that never was found
so near of its fate.
This has a really inelegant flow to it that was very admirable and curiously pretty.
We provoked our own
dismemberment.
“provoked” was, of course, perfect. But once again, “dismemberment” wasn't entirely fluid or graceful. Maybe that's your point? To be as ugly as possible? But that wouldn't coincide with other segments of the poem which are really lovely.
Do you remember when
we seemed invincible?
Do you remember
how much we laughed and
defended our longevity?
“laughed”, followed by “defended our longevity” seemed utterly unattractive, and I definitely missed it's point. Also, “how much” was sluggish and clammy.
We would fill our
ego with pride;
tell the story
of our life
to our sons
and grandsons
The thought here seem clichéd. You suddenly bring pace to the poem with obvious and 'easy' words. They are abrupt and short. Why?
and wait for them to
follow the example,
instead of the world’s
weathering of love.
I like the way your alliteration fell on the next line.

This vacuum, this stagnancy
I'm struggling to understand this.
reminds us of a beach with
an ever ebb-tide that became
victim of an overflow.
The trail of our footsteps
along this tramp erased by
a wave in a mere second.
Our vestigial bodies,
still unknown to the art of
swimming, found themselves swathed
by a water that leeched the air,
pouring into their lungs
and eating their insides.
This was lovely writing.
Our tick tick boom
was only tick tick torturing us.
Do you know when they say
that the more we look at time,
the slower it looks? I'd
like to look at time
for time enough
to make time stop now,
before it’s too late to tread
over the same sand again,
with the hope that the tide lows
forever; to get out of
this emptiness before we
lock ourselves in it with
hateful thoughts, that we don’t even
hug ourselves involved by the
“involved” was very weird. I don't understand it at all.
explosive particles
hugging our bodies.

We die, my dear perdition.
The ending was weird, also, but very dark so it was cool . The rest of this verse was really nice writing. Perfectly hectic and effective.

Overall, I didn't enjoy the opening verse nearly as much as the conclusion. I have no idea what was going on half the time, but at least the second half had a strong vibe to it that was nicer to read.
#4
I hate when I get to a thread and what I'd like to say has already been said. It makes me feel worthless.

I felt like this was rambling, and difficult to read, not unlike the piece of mine you critiqued. I agree with Dan on almost everything, except that I actually enjoyed it.

This reminds me of Opeth, perhaps because of their song "Ghost of Perdition." I think that you could come up with a better title, though.
#5
Quote by punkforlife93
I hate when I get to a thread and what I'd like to say has already been said. It makes me feel worthless.

I felt like this was rambling, and difficult to read, not unlike the piece of mine you critiqued. I agree with Dan on almost everything, except that I actually enjoyed it.

This reminds me of Opeth, perhaps because of their song "Ghost of Perdition." I think that you could come up with a better title, though.


^Word. I liked it. But it was kind of a struggle to read.
#7
Quote by seventh_angel
Thank you guys. I tried to chagnge the line breaks in the first stanza. The second stanza was harder and was barely changed. Is it better this way? I'll drop a comment on yours Mamosa, still today.


I didn't crit yours. I just agreed with someone. You owe me nothing.