#1
waterbirth

the river ran towards my house
and train tracks bent with it
near the well where I pulled our dreams out

and we drank them on the hot days
where we lay our spines along tree roots in the shade
or stared into the their ripples and pretended to be

leaning over a steamship balcony
looking at the waves from far above
and away
further than these passing trains could take us.

picking at the flakes of the rail
scraping a trail of rusty paint into the wake water
we knew things would start again from the ocean.
we'd emerge like prehistorics into the minds of our new selves
and birth from this womb into new land with new air to watch trains pass by

and so the clouds came from the west,
upon this sea our sight was trapped,
for we least know our morning last
the depths of wonder we have passed.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 8, 2009,
#2
this is beautiful and i cant properly crit worth **** right now so ill try and come back
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minterman22
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#3
My only complaint after first read is that I think you should get rid of the "and" in "picking at the flakes of the rail and scraping a trail of rusty paint into the wake water". Having the "and" there suggests that these are two separate events when really it's more of a cause and effect type of statement. I think a comma would be more appropriate there. Unless of course I'm just not picturing this right.

regardless.
#4
Quite nice. Painted a nice image in my head.

In my world, the color RED doesn't exist.

The system has encountered a fatal error [1809]: 'YourOpinion' var has no set value.
#5
thanks a lot guys. I changed the and steve, I think you're right.

I'll keep an eye out to return soon
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
Quote by jiminizzle
waterbirth

the river ran towards my house
and train tracks bent with it
near the well where I pulled our dreams out
Nice strong opening.

and we drank them on the hot days
where we lay our spines along tree roots in the shade
or stared into the their ripples and pretended to be
I don't like the stanza break here...

leaning over a steamship balcony
looking at the waves from far above
and away
further than these passing trains could take us.
Nice.

picking at the flakes of the rail
scraping a trail of rusty paint into the wake water
I don't like "wake water" for some reason. It just strikes me as... evil.
we knew things would start again from the ocean.
we'd emerge like prehistorics into the minds of our new selves
and birth from this womb into new land with new air to watch trains pass by

and so the clouds came from the west,
upon this sea our sight was trapped,
for we least know our morning last
the depths of wonder we have passed.


My only real crit: write more. This was lovely.
#7
You're one of the few writers on here that can create loniless and desolation with very few words and with great ease.