#1
This is a song I wrote for my best friend and the girl I love. The song is titled "Leah" (named after the girl... clever I know ). The chorus isn't done yet, but like every cheesy love song named after a girl, the chorus is going to mention her name in some way.

Here's the first draft of the rest of it so far. This is pretty much my second full song I've written.


VERSE 1
I never thought I could ever fall for someone
the way I have fallen for you.
You've reached out and grabbed my heart
And I gave no complaints.
Your eyes light up the midnight sky
Your face shines brighter than the sun
And I'm just not quite sure why
No one else could see this in you.

PRECHORUS
A dozen little trinkets
A million little notes
Cannot express my love for you
But they give me hope

CHORUS

VERSE 2
I hope now after all we've been through
You see I'm not like the rest.
I hold you up on a pedestal
You're higher than a queen.
Show me your smile, and I'll show you life
I can give you the world in small steps
If you just give me your hand
all this, I promise you.

PRECHORUS
A dozen little trinkets
A million little notes
Cannot express my love for you
But they give me hope

CHORUS

(A little lick, or short solo)

BRIDGE
I know I drive you crazy (crazy)
And you drive me just the same (just insane)
But I wouldn't want it
Any other way.

CHORUS

(extended solo)
Quote by Ylasto
R.I.P Ean.

Are there any other members of Lynyrd Skynyrd who are dead?
#2
Quote by Lgndkllr777

VERSE 1
I never thought I could ever fall for someone
the way I have fallen for you.
If you added a "that" before "I" this would flow much better. Also, the phrase "fall for someone" is so cliched, that unless you're writing a sardonic commentary on it, you should never use it.
You've reached out and grabbed my heart
And I gave no complaints.
Terrible flow. And you shift tenses here. "You've" is present tense, "gave" is past. If you said "And I've given no complaints" or "And I have not complained" it would make more sense. Or you could say "You reached out and grabbed my heart/And I gave no complaints". Or you could say (this is much better IMO, but still not great) "You reached out and grabbed me/And I gave no complaints". It's virtually unchanged, but IMO is a vast improvement.
Your eyes light up the midnight sky
Cliche.
Your face shines brighter than the sun
Cliche.
And I'm just not quite sure why
Cliche.
No one else could see this in you.
Cliche.

PRECHORUS
A dozen little trinkets
A million little notes
Why the difference in numbers here?
Cannot express my love for you
Cliche.
But they give me hope
Not bad.

CHORUS

VERSE 2
I hope now after all we've been through
Cliche. And what have you been through?
You see I'm not like the rest.
Cliche.
I hold you up on a pedestal
You're higher than a queen.
I just find these two lines, especially the queen one, to be gag-worthy.
Show me your smile, and I'll show you life
Ugh..
I can give you the world in small steps
If you just give me your hand
all this, I promise you.
I don't like this. At all.

PRECHORUS
A dozen little trinkets
A million little notes
Cannot express my love for you
But they give me hope

CHORUS

(A little lick, or short solo)

BRIDGE
I know I drive you crazy (crazy)
And you drive me just the same (just insane)
But I wouldn't want it
Any other way.
Cliche, and rather stupid, idea.

CHORUS

(extended solo)



Sorry, dude, but I hate this. I can tell you mean for it to be a cheesy love song. Congratulations. It is.

Here is the message you sent, trimmed down:

I love you. A lot.
I want you. A lot.
You don't know it.
I'll improve your life.
You're the best.

Try to focus in on a facet of her, either her personality, physical side, or just the out "you and her" moment. Write about that, not about general, unfocused, cliche, and idiotic phrases that are tired and boring. And there are some flow issues. Obviously this will be set to music, so the flow may work as you have it planned out, but the way it is, there are a few problems.