#1
A hand rests on a doorbell and rings it. The door opens. A package is exchanged.
The door closes. The hand returns to it's pocket. The hand fiddles around. The hand 
opens a door. The wheel drives the engine. "FedEx" is on the side of the truck. The 
hand turns the ignition. The hand opens the door. A face greets a face. "Hello" a mouth 
says. A pair of eyes encircle familiar furniture. A lamp turns on. Bedsheets are shriveled,
then stretched, then muscles, then legs. Eyelids shut.



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Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
Quote by Laces Out Danny
A hand rests on a doorbell and rings it. The door opens. A package is exchanged.
The door closes. The hand returns to it's pocket. The hand fiddles around. The hand
opens a door. The wheel drives the engine. "FedEx" is on the side of the truck. The
hand turns the ignition. The hand opens the door. A face greets a face. "Hello" a mouth
says. A pair of eyes encircle familiar furniture. A lamp turns on. Bedsheets are shriveled,
then stretched, then muscles, then legs. Eyelids shut.


I get that this is just a description of a day in the life of a FedEx driver, and I like the concept and I like the distance you give it. However, I found this incredibly dry and boring. The style does that in and of itself, and that's why it has to be used on something innovative and fascinating. Like writing a story about a piece of gum that gets stuck on a shoe (obviously using anthropomorphism) or a day in the life of a bath towel. But just a day in the life of a FedEx driver... I was bored.

Using that dry, bland, distant style works only when the subject matter is innovative.
#3
First of all, two nitpicks. I didn't like the use of "rests". It felt like an awkward description, a bit of a stretch. I think something like "lands" would work better. Also I didn't like the FedEx sentence. It broke your pattern of sentence structure and as a result sounded kind of clumsy. It may have been more effective to leave that sentence out and use FedEx as the title. Your point would still get across.

All-in-all I don't think it's long enough for me to say I got bored with it, at the same time I'm glad it wasn't much longer because then it may have gotten stale. It was an interesting choice of topic, but it didn't really affect me in any way so I probably won't remember it for very long.

#4
thanks for the crits


I tried to make this as objective as possible taking the human subject matter out of the poem (which is why I reduced the people to "faces" and objects) but I guess it isn't really entertaining in the end without a human relatable aspect to it.


leave links please!
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
Well, it's a really hard thing to do-take something as boring as a day in the life of a fedex driver, and make it into something that is interesting to read. You've pulled it off, to an extent. But like you said, there's nothing to relate to. Nothing you can actually feel after reading it. Like steve said, I will probably forget about this piece by tomorrow.

Also, I dislike the amount of times you said "The hand". At one point, you started three sentences in a row with "The hand" and it got to be too much. You had this good idea and you were just trying to shove my face in it at every possible opportunity.

But still, that's what it was - a good idea.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 9, 2009,
#7
Quote by mamosa
Like writing a story about a piece of gum that gets stuck on a shoe (obviously using anthropomorphism)


Obviously


I'm not sure what to make of this. I like the distance, it definitely works for it. But, other than the moral of the story about a ripped fedex guy getting a piece of ass, I have to ask "what's the point?" There are no insinuations of a more important meaning here, unless there's something you should be telling us and you're not.

It looks and seems like a quick exercise in style, perspective. It's a good one, but truthfully doesn't matter much.