#1
C4C

Oh, I was headed north that day
Thought I'd said all I could say
But then you looked at me that way
And I ran back to your home

Yeah I had packed my bags and filled the tank
I'd signed that check and left it blank
Hoping that the money in my bank
Was all you'd wish to take from me

But the way your eyes were filled with tears
They brought back all my deepest fears
And the thought I couldn't see you for years
Well it brought me to my knees

The wind was cold but I stayed outside
I'd considered making you my bride
Oh but only if you'd stay along for the ride
'Cause that road is so damn lonely

Come Christmas time I sold all my things
Just so I could buy you that ring
And I thought my dear how I would sing
If you said yes to me

And the draft card soon came in the mail
And our hopes and dreams they did set sail
For the war made me so fragile and frail
Before I'd even left

You broke down crying in the floor
And you asked me love is this all we hoped for
I told you darling it's just one tour
I'll be back before you know it

But in case I'm not
Then this love is all we got
So take my hand by the rivers end
And lets make this what we dreamed
Last edited by lespaulsg09 at Sep 8, 2009,
#3
I like the concept here, but had a hard time making it flow right. It looks like every other line is supposed to alternate between 5 and 4 stressed syllables, but that doesn't hold through the entire piece. Also, it's really a stretch for me to read it that way. For instance: "And the thought I couldn't see you for years" is one of the clumsy lines. In order to get five, I read "see you" and "for years" as one syllable each, and I trip over the contraction (couldn't) in the middle. Changing it to "The thought that I could not see you for years" reads, in my opinion, much cleaner.

There are a handful of lines like that, and a few rhymes that felt forced such as that between mail and set sail. I'd say the scansion problem is your biggest hurdle though. This has some real potential though.