#1
Eh, first piece posting here. It's a really cheezy title, just tentative really. Hope you guys can enjoy it.


There’s only so many possibilities,
and if I had my way,
this wouldn’t be one of them.

There’d be no white house and matching fence
with a tire swing out front for the kids
and a border collie performing victory laps.
I let lemons spoil in a lonely bowl
while they glance at the tap,
waiting to be washed someday
and turned into bittersweet lemonade.

If I come knocking on your door again,
just try to pretend that it never happened.
Pretend that I never abstained.
We all deserve heaven every once in a while.

In this hypothetical situation,
I’d come back to you to tell you tales
of how he didn’t hurt me, and I’d wail
that he didn’t break me. And
you weren’t right all along.
I wouldn’t write about troubles and trials,
and I wouldn’t conclude that, in the end,
an unhappily-never-after isn’t for everyone.

If I come knocking on your door again,
just try to pretend that it never happened.
Pretend that I never abstained.
We all deserve heaven every once in a while.

I’m sending up the letter now.
The clouds are a bit wet,
and the ink is smudging.
But once it reaches God’s mailbox,
maybe the tables will be turned
out of some perverse ironic pleasure.
Maybe my fairy godfather
won’t grant my wish after all.

I can only hope for this.
I like to think I'm a poet, but it's all rather contrived...

...bliss is found in not just ignorance, so stop looking there.

Here's to wondering how much this sig is screwing with your eyes.


[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21538427#post21538427[/url"]Freud's Lunchbox
#2
It's good, let's just leave it at that. Too much to review here. Lots of great imagery. But at the end I was a little confused . Why was it in Italics? Oh well, good flow good every thing. Thanks for reviewing mine.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#3
Don't get me wrong, I liked it. This is meant to be constructive.


Quote by chiodoschica92



There’s only so many possibilities,
and if I had my way,
this wouldn’t be one of them.

There’d be no white house and matching fence
with a tire swing out front for the kids
and a border collie performing victory laps.
I let lemons spoil in a lonely bowl - It was making sense up to this point. At this point, it spirals out of control and I have no idea what you're trying to get at.
while they glance at the tap,
waiting to be washed someday
and turned into bittersweet lemonade.

There were two completely seperate ideas in one stanza. And in the next one, you go off on something completely and totally different than what you were talking about before that doesn't seem related at all. Needs to be more cohesive.


If I come knocking on your door again,
just try to pretend that it never happened.
Pretend that I never abstained. - Abstained from what?
We all deserve heaven every once in a while.

Also, I have no idea what this thing that has happened is. You can't just assume people will read your mind and know what you are talking about. Something vague like that would have been okay if there was a reference to what it was that happened somewhere else in the piece, but there wasn't. So I have no idea what this is talking about, though it seems to be the main point of the piece.

In this hypothetical situation,
I’d come back to you to tell you tales
of how he didn’t hurt me, and I’d wail
that he didn’t break me. And - Why are you referring to him in a different tense now? I thought you were talking to this person in the above stanza? If not, then who are you talking to, and what is their relevance?
you weren’t right all along.
I wouldn’t write about troubles and trials, - I would prefer trials and tribulations. Just sayin'
and I wouldn’t conclude that, in the end,
an unhappily-never-after isn’t for everyone. - This seems like a quadruple negative from some kind of confusing hell. Maybe I'm trying to read too deep, I'm not sure. Clever, though.

If I come knocking on your door again,
just try to pretend that it never happened.
Pretend that I never abstained.
We all deserve heaven every once in a while.

Same comments as in the previous occurance of this stanza.

I’m sending up the letter now.
The clouds are a bit wet,
and the ink is smudging.
But once it reaches God’s mailbox,
maybe the tables will be turned
out of some perverse ironic pleasure.
Maybe my fairy godfather
won’t grant my wish after all.

This is my favorite part of the piece, but except for the references to heaven in the chorus-type stanza that repeats, this doesn't seem to have any connection with the rest of the piece. Of all of it, though, this is the most well-written part in my opinion.

I can only hope for this.



This was good, assuming that you haven't written very much of often since this is the first thing you've posted(I could be wrong). But my problem with it was that I couldn't really grasp the whole meaning of it because every stanza seemed like a whole different piece with a different idea that was somehow vaguely connected to the others. There are alot of unnecessary parts, such as the part with the lemons, that just don't benefit the piece or move it along at all. It might mean something to you(In fact, I'm sure most of this means something to you), but from a readers perspective, it just makes no sense at all and only succeeds in causing confusion. You need to find the balance between sentimental value, and the value for the reader and find a way to make these two coexist. It makes things flow more smoothly and makes it much more understandable. In the last stanza, you refer to "The letter", when it hasn't been talked about anywhere else in the piece, and all of the sudden here is THE letter that I am somehow supposed to know the meaning and existence of. Another problem(relating to what I just said about the letter) is that you tried to squeeze waaaayy too many ideas into one piece. This is why every stanza seems different and why they seem to only vaguely connect. It also goes back to the idea of self meaning vs. what the reader percieves. All of these ideas may seem to make perfect sense to you in the way they are interconnected, but from the outside it is very very hard to gain a meaning. Not that you should put the meaning right out there for everyone to see-it's supposed to make you think-but when I have to read the piece more than five times to even begin to grasp it, then it's too hidden to be enjoyable. Now that I've said all of these negative things, which, keep in mind, may all be completely wrong-you don't have to trust my advice if you think I'm wrong-I will say that there were positive points in the piece. Alot of the imagery and descriptions were great. The writing was solid. You definitely have the talent there, you just need to refine it. Cut out all of the excess crap and refine and polish your ideas, and you will have yourself a very nice writing ability.


If you wanna take a look at the piece(link) in my sig, that would be great.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Thanks a bunch, especially Ganoosh, that's an amazing crit.

I understand it's confusing. I probably wouldn't understand it if I read it. Think about it like...well...reverse psychology. Using thoughts.

...

I'll get to yo crits.
I like to think I'm a poet, but it's all rather contrived...

...bliss is found in not just ignorance, so stop looking there.

Here's to wondering how much this sig is screwing with your eyes.


[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21538427#post21538427[/url"]Freud's Lunchbox