#1
Educational note: the Danube is the longest river in the European Union and the second longest in Europe. It runs into the Black Sea. It flows through (or splits up) 10 different countries, including Romania and Bulgaria. A ferry boat across it links Calafat in Romania to Vidin in Bulgaria. A bridge is planned, but I think that would be a shame.

This piece is a stepping stone between the three in my sig and the next five or six. Thank you to those who critted the old version, you made me try again. I will do the same with Sibiu most likely and post it when I've finished.



Border Crossing from Calafat to Vidin

specks of brown scour the balkan mountains far below
before swooping to the ground and swinging back towards our boat.
the fish swim in spiral patters through the shining water
and the silky ripples they create are stirred by our rusty motor.
we stumble and sway towards the rocky bay that signifies another border.

the mediterranean breeze breathes lazily
cooling our sun stroked faces and flip-flopped feet.
a pristine haze rises coolly up from the deep
making our bodies dance free of the humid heat

the smoke sails across the starboard and into our staring eyes
as an auburn streak is shot across the darkening blue sky.
the other passengers sing out understanding sighs
and our boat bumps gently against the other side.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 8, 2009,
#2
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Educational note: the Danube is the longest river in the European Union and the second longest in Europe. It runs into the Black Sea. It flows through (or splits up) 10 different countries, including Romania and Bulgaria. A ferry boat across it links Calafat in Romania to Vidin in Bulgaria. A bridge is planned, but I think that would be a shame.

This piece is a stepping stone between the three in my sig and the next five or six. Thank you to those who critted the old version, you made me try again. I will do the same with Sibiu most likely and post it when I've finished.



Border Crossing from Calafat to Vidin

specks of brown scour the balkan mountains far below
before swooping to the ground and swinging back towards our boat.
the fish swim in spiral patters through the shining water
and the silky ripples they create are stirred by our rusty motor.
we stumble and sway towards the rocky bay that signifies another border.
I don't like the lack of a transition between the "motor." and "we". I feel that in a "painting a picture" piece, you need to use them or it gets too boring.

the mediterranean breeze breathes lazily Nice assonance.
cooling our sun stroked faces and flip-flopped feet.
a haze rises coolly up from the deep
making our bodies dance free of the humid heat
Good rhyming.

the haze sails across the starboard and into our staring eyes
as an auburn streak is shot across the darkening blue sky.
the other passengers sing out understanding sighs
and our boat bumps gently against the other side.


I liked this a lot more than the previous version. It's very tranquil and beautifully descriptive. I don't remember if your last piece did, but the way you added in people, even if just for a moment, helped this piece a lot.

#3
I like this. The rhyming is subtle and well-placed, and you paint a beautiful image. The only real improvement that I could suggest is that you maybe add some more content into this - I mean, it's a great picture that you give the reader, but why? It's not exactly apparent. Although it's fine if you're just creating a piece meant to be vivid and nothing deeper than that.

I'm not sure that I liked that you said haze twice, though.
I like to think I'm a poet, but it's all rather contrived...

...bliss is found in not just ignorance, so stop looking there.

Here's to wondering how much this sig is screwing with your eyes.


[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21538427#post21538427[/url"]Freud's Lunchbox
#4
^ 'haze' is changed. The point of the piece is detailed at the beginning, in the 'small print' if you will. Thank you.

Thanks, mamosa. I thought a bit about that transition before posting this and haven't yet decided whether I like it or not. I'd at least want to keep a bit of that tone in there if I was to get rid of it, so it's not something I'm going to edit immediately.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
The only comment I want to leave is what Dan once told me. It's all very pretty, and you do the prettiness well - but there's just not enough of the ugliness to make it really interesting. But the prettiness in this is fantastically written.
#7
Quote by #1 synth
^thats silly. there was more than enough ugliness here. anyone who takes this piece as one that is a calming and happy one needs to relearn how to read poetry.


I didn't take it that way.

EDIT: What I mean to say is, I didn't take it as a calming and happy one. But I don't think the 'sinister' side was emphasised enough.
#8
I really thought this was beautifully written and the fact that it's a stepping stone piece, I think, adds another dimension to it. That is, I could feel some anticipation building through this that makes me want to read the next part. There was an air of uneasiness, almost of a devious nature, in this that was so subtle that I only picked up on it when I read it slower and more critically. Even the subtleness of a "rusty motor", "sailing smoke", or a "darkening blue sky" attribute to this feeling I got. Who knows, maybe I read it wrong but that was the impression I got from it. I've always loved your writing and I can't wait to read the next parts.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
What really stood out to me was the symmetricallness of this poem, the lines were all conforming to a certain length and pace with no single line standing out on it's own. I thought (since you were making poems in a series) that this would fit in perfectly as a transition piece because of that, and then I looked at the title, "Border Crossing..." and I think I get where that's coming from. It really does feel like a crossing/transition.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#10
Michal/Dylan/etc: thanks. Though I think that there are some 'sinister' aspects of this piece, they're obviously subtle, and the feeling of this piece as not just description relies on the pieces before it (two of which I'd say are really quite sinister indeed).

I'll get to all of you guys soon. The next one's coming up (and this'll be where we really see if you're taking the 'series' idea seriously )
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Phew, what a rollercoaster of a read. And Michal, I said that? Woah, I'm pretty damned smart when I want to be.

Nah, seriously, this is pretty. But, unlike Subway, I don't feel like a real connection is present between the pieces. Okay, yes I do know that they link, in accordance with the places you're writing about, but the styles in which they are written don't really feel concreted as one.
But then again, maybe you wanted to do that, as countries, places and homes are always different and have more to show for themselves. But I didn't get that impression with this.

The thing about this piece, though, something I can't really deny, is it's rap/spoken word poetry, vibe I got from it. It had a strut to it. It didn't feel right with the elegant and tasteful words/descriptions you used.

Yeah, something about this one doesn't quite click with me.