#1
She asked me about my regrets
and I sighed,
"What regrets?"
It's not that I have none;
I do.
But suppression is an anxious man's best friend.

She said I left her broken.

I found her broken.
It was a deplorable idea
and I told her so every step of the way,
every time she touched my zipper,
cold and fragile,
and whispered devious somethings
like girl a with nothing to lose
or a girl who's lost everything
repeatedly,
habitually,
instinctively.

Lost in the blue.

I whispered,
"Though your own heart condemns you, I do not,
but we never were
and never will we be."
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Dec 12, 2009,
#2
the last line makes the piece imo. i thought the word nothing was too frequent in the part that goes "and whispered devious nothings like girl a with nothing to lose". maybe change to whispered devious phrases? maybe something else. moral of the story, dont play with people who are broken?
#3
"Though your own heart condemn you, I do not,
but we never were
and never will we be."


Damn, reminds me of family guy when Stewie gets married and Brian keeps shouting "it's not your fault!"

If you have no idea what I'm talking about then nevermind. On another note, it's pretty lame that I have to refer to a cartoon in order to make my point but screw effort.
Better than Jesus, Megatron and T-Rex combined.

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(. Y .)(. Y .)
- ) . ( - ) . (
- \ v / - \ v /


This ^ is why I'm right.
#4
I didn't notice that, thanks RBF. By the way, hurray Reel Big Fish!

p.s. changed it.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#5
things i don't like about this piece:

a grammatical error or two in there.
the repetition of the word 'broken'
cliche
the lack of sensory detail
the list of adverbs towards the end

things that i do like:

"suppression is an anxious man's best friend"
"every time she touched my zipper"


so my only advice is: give us some substance
what comes up comes out