#1
Kind of forgot I’d made an account here, but I wrote this and wanted a bit of feedback. C4C.


Reflections on a Childhood Memory

I like the way the sea breeze breathes
through this city, throbbing with the tide,
swelling like a lung in tandem
with the Pacific, that furrowed body of water.

Eyes wide, legs pumping,
we race to the top of the citadel where
flashes of alabaster sky (piercing)
blind us through stony windows and
pausing for breath, I catch
a glimpse of the cityscape, teeming with
trolley cars and bars (on windows) and miniature people.

I remember them now
like sleepwalkers
at the bottom of the ocean.

(Oh, but what I would give to drown!
to discard this self-satisfied frown
to tumble from a city on a hill, and, catching myself,
sling lightly into open arms.
Heavy heart, bloodshot eyes
Mark the target of my desires
and I should want for nothing more
than a loving home with hardwood floors
)

I am only ten years old
and not about to let my brother
beat me to the top of the stairs.
#2
Quote by TCS
Kind of forgot I’d made an account here, but I wrote this and wanted a bit of feedback. C4C.


Reflections on a Childhood Memory

I like the way the sea breeze breathes
through this city, throbbing with the tide,
swelling like a lung in tandem
with the Pacific, that furrowed body of water.
Very nice descriptions here. It brings the reader in well.

Eyes wide, legs pumping,
we race to the top of the citadel where
flashes of alabaster sky (piercing)
blind us through stony windows and
pausing for breath, I catch
a glimpse of the cityscape, teeming with
trolley cars and bars (on windows) and miniature people.
Again, the vivid descriptions are what keep this going so well.

I remember them now
like sleepwalkers
at the bottom of the ocean.
I love this for some reason. Really odd, but good.

(Oh, but what I would give to drown!
to discard this self-satisfied frown
to tumble from a city on a hill, and, catching myself,
sling lightly into open arms.
Heavy heart, bloodshot eyes
Mark the target of my desires
and I should want for nothing more
than a loving home with hardwood floors
)
Another amazing stanza full of great descriptions.

I am only ten years old
and not about to let my brother
beat me to the top of the stairs.
Cute, unexpected ending.


I really liked this for the most part. I don't really know how the drowning line fits, but your vivid descriptions throughout the piece really brought it to life. A very fun read.
#3
Thanks for the crit!

Tbh, I wrote this when I was half-asleep and not thinking clearly. I'm glad you liked it, but looking at it now it came out kind of garbled and unclear. It's supposed to be me remembering a childhood visit to San Francisco, when we went to a tall tower on the edge of the city called the Citadel (its a real place) which has lots of stairs and windows. I forgot to mention that when I posted it. I think I'll redo this one later, only make it a lot more clear what I'm talking about and less cluttered.