#1
This piece isnt quite finished yet, im more than likely going to add one more verse to it maybe a bridge of some sort but im stuck right now. So i figured id post it anyway, hell maybe someones crit will spark an idea.

Building Walls

they wanna build walls around the border today
**** its just more money that you can waste
we've got children fighting foreign affairs
people over here still living off welfare
We all need some change
but all we can get is one more chain

Innocent blood painting the streets
you wanna make bombs
instead of curing disease
sir just lend me a ear
stop all the fear
we dont want no more bombs in the air

cause i wont fight your wars
for money and greed
too much fear and hate
we need love and peace
#2
Building Walls

they wanna build walls around the border today
**** its just more money that you can waste
we've got children fighting foreign affairs
people over here still living off welfare
We all need some change
but all we can get is one more chain

Innocent blood painting the streets
you wanna make bombs
instead of curing disease
sir just lend me a ear
stop all the fear
we dont want no more bombs in the air

cause i wont fight your wars
for money and greed
too much fear and hate
we need love and peace
I'm not going to critique this line-by-line, as planned. To do so would make my main comment redundant...

these last two lines are awful. Apologies for bluntness, I mean no disrespect. We know the world compromises of fear and hate. We know we need more peace and love. Why are you reminded me of it? Did your brother go to war and come home with one arm missing; or maybe not at all? Have you been protesting the wars in Iraq for the last six years? Does your personality have any resemblance to that of a war victim? If you have, I don't see it. I think you need to make me want to listen to what you have to say on a subject I care nothing for - except improvement. When suffering ends, that's when I pay attention. Until then, I'm going to pray it doesn't effect me or the people I care about. That's the way I do things...hate it or respect it.
You're writing about a subject you seem to have no knowledge of, yet you write it in a way that portrays you as the all-knowing, all-solving creator of life; we allllllllllll think we know how to stop world war III from occurring. But really, non of us have the capacity to act on it and succeed. It is beyond human abilities, IMHO, to rid the earth of global destruction and suffering.
Instead of writing about what you seem to know nothing of, write about how you need to keep your head down in this life, because there is so much war and suffering. Life is frail, showing honesty by admitting you want to run away from it all, is what writing is all about, to me anyway.

If I'm wrong by my judgements, that's fine.
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Building Walls

they wanna build walls around the border today
**** its just more money that you can waste
we've got children fighting foreign affairs
people over here still living off welfare
We all need some change
but all we can get is one more chain

Innocent blood painting the streets
you wanna make bombs
instead of curing disease
sir just lend me a ear
stop all the fear
we dont want no more bombs in the air

cause i wont fight your wars
for money and greed
too much fear and hate
we need love and peace
I'm not going to critique this line-by-line, as planned. To do so would make my main comment redundant...

these last two lines are awful. Apologies for bluntness, I mean no disrespect. We know the world compromises of fear and hate. We know we need more peace and love. Why are you reminded me of it? Did your brother go to war and come home with one arm missing; or maybe not at all? Have you been protesting the wars in Iraq for the last six years? Does your personality have any resemblance to that of a war victim? If you have, I don't see it. I think you need to make me want to listen to what you have to say on a subject I care nothing for - except improvement. When suffering ends, that's when I pay attention. Until then, I'm going to pray it doesn't effect me or the people I care about. That's the way I do things...hate it or respect it.
You're writing about a subject you seem to have no knowledge of, yet you write it in a way that portrays you as the all-knowing, all-solving creator of life; we allllllllllll think we know how to stop world war III from occurring. But really, non of us have the capacity to act on it and succeed. It is beyond human abilities, IMHO, to rid the earth of global destruction and suffering.
Instead of writing about what you seem to know nothing of, write about how you need to keep your head down in this life, because there is so much war and suffering. Life is frail, showing honesty by admitting you want to run away from it all, is what writing is all about, to me anyway.

If I'm wrong by my judgements, that's fine.



Wow you completely ripped me apart and i still feel like i should thank you. You have great points and put things in ways that ive never thought of before...... So Thanks man