#1
c4c


as time shifts forward i awaken
to the shackles of my life
im sitting here and contemplating
what is wrong and what is right

Everybody all around me
seems heart broken and they cry
I feel so cold and unaffected
by the reason im alive

it will all be better when i die

look in the mirror there is no one
staring at me here tonight
i am alone and must be broken
this is the end say goodbye

it will all be better when i die

cant take much more i have to end this
i have lost the will to fight
now standing here and looking down the
edge im shaken from this height

it will all be better when i die
#2
Quote by SmartyJones
c4c
as time shifts forward i awaken
to the shackles of my life
im sitting here and contemplating
what is wrong and what is right

'I am awaken' is more grammatically correct I believe. The last two lines seemed like they're fillers because right kind of rhymed with life. It feels like the two halves of the stanzas don't flow well; it goes from 'shackles of life' to what is right/wrong.

Everybody all around me
seems heart broken and they cry
I feel so cold and unaffected
by the reason im alive

Again, the two halves don't mix well because the ideas switch from externally focused, toi internally without relating the two. The flow from the first stanza to this second one isn't good either, but it's not bad. I also feel like "and they cry" in the second line is an unnecessary additive and could be taken off.

it will all be better when i die

Why will it better? So far you've observed what you've woken up to and how people and yourself are reacting, but what caused it? You need more emotion if this is your chorus because it feels empty.

look in the mirror there is no one
staring at me here tonight
i am alone and must be broken
this is the end say goodbye

"look in the mirror there is no one" is a run-on sentence; use a linking verb or add a noun to the beginning. I like the third line, but the other lines don't go with it at all. I'd try writing lines around that third line, because right now (aside from not fitting together) they don't flow together.

it will all be better when i die

cant take much more i have to end this
i have lost the will to fight
now standing here and looking down the
edge im shaken from this height

The last two lines are a great way to end the last verse, but the first two are so cliche. Write new ones. And add punctuation so it makes sense reading it - "edge im shaken" needs something in between.

it will all be better when i die


Overall, it was decent. What it needs is more emotion -which is the hardest thing to get good at. if this is a new thing for you (songwriting in general), just keep writing and listening/reading no matter what. If you want help or more criticize, PM me or just add me I'm not great but I'll tell you what I can. Cheers
#3
^^^
thanks for the comment. this song is supposed to have a suicidal feel to it and is not really meant to be looked at in depth. this is how i explain it...


as time shifts forward i awaken
to the shackles of my life
im sitting here and contemplating
what is wrong and what is right


this stanza sets everything up, meaning his very first thoughts in the morning are of how much he hates his life. the last two lines are meant to inidicate that he is already tossing around the idea of suicide.

everybody all around me
seems heart broken and they cry
i feel so cold and unaffected
by the reason im alive


this stanza shows that all the people around him are able to show some sort of significant feelings but he feels nothing at all and is questioning his purpose in life.

it will all be better when i die


this is the one lined chorus. he feels ending his life will bring an end to his misery

look in the mirror there is no one
staring at me here tonight
i am alone and must be broken
this is the end say goodbye


when he looks in the mirror all he sees is the empty shell of a person and has made the choice to end his life

it will all be better when i die

cant take much more i have to end this
i have lost the will to fight
now standing here and looking down the
edge im shaken from this height


he is standing on the edge of a high building and is about to jump

it will all be better when i die


i hope that cleared some things up
#4
I think you had great intentions, but I think you need to add more. You cleared it up, but It wouldn't be very apparent to a listener, IMO.