#1
I wrote this in about 20 minutes today. Going for an acoustic song. I want to add one more stanza, but I'll get to that when it comes to me.

I choke down peach planks
And lick the sullen door clean
Take me home please
I'll pay you with my dreams

Harbor sunsets
Will never leave me alone
Despite my presence
In this distant mountain home

My dear old friend
I've not forgotten your face
It's not the end
I've only fleetingly lost my way
#2
Quote by Winter Sky
I wrote this in about 20 minutes today. Going for an acoustic song. I want to add one more stanza, but I'll get to that when it comes to me.

I choke down peach planks
And lick the sullen door clean
Take me home please
I'll pay you with my dreams
I'm not really interested.

Harbor sunsets
Will never leave me alone
Despite my presence
In this distant mountain home
I like this one. I'm interpreting it as someone who is homesick, living in the mountains, missing where he used to live. I could be wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting.

My dear old friend
I've not forgotten your face
It's not the end
I've only fleetingly lost my way


The last stanza reinforces my previous guess. The first one doesn't, other than the "take me home" part. I felt that the first verse didn't serve too much of a purpose, seeing as it didn't really segue into the next verse anyway... so unless I'm misinterpreting this, I don't see the point in the first verse.

But it was nice.
#3
It just wasn't all that interesting of a read...Of course, it's song lyrics, so I guess it doesn't have to be. I'd like to hear these put to music. A couple word choices I didn't like, particularly Fleetingly and Sullen. Not sure why, they just don't seem to fit very well. Definitely work on another stanza for this.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Yes, fleetingly is bad. And I don't know where sullen comes in at all. ^ he's right IMO.
#5
To clear a lot up, this song is about my struggle with drug abuse. Planks is a slang term for Xanax, a drug I abuse often.

This song is about how I just want to go to that happy place without doing drugs. I want to go "home".

I just kind of clouded it in slang terms and metaphors for the sake of originality. No one wants to hear "I did drugs and now my life sucks."

EDIT: I can't tell you how much I agree that fleetingly is a terrible word choice. More or less a place holder until I think of a better word.

Ugh this really is sloppy work for me. I seriously need to work on this a lot for it to work.

Thanks for the crits though.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 9, 2009,
#6
I learned a new word today!

This makes a lot more sense now, and your word choices fit now. I was surprised, because Sugarblind had such great diction.

Your piece is better now.

PS I hope you win your battle with Xanax. Those palindrome drugs are really a bitch!

EDIT: I actually love fleetingly there because it shows the mentality. It shows how you think you can get back on top of your addiction and you made one misstep, no big deal, you'll get back on the wagon. It kind of highlights the vicious cycle.

Not to be a dick
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 9, 2009,
#7
Thanks mamosa. Yeah, I was actually clean for almost 8 months until Monday night. I relapsed and took more than I'd ever done before and had a really rough night, so that's where this piece came from.

I'm glad that the background info helped the piece. I guess I should toss another drug reference in there somewhere.

I really appreciate the well-wishing. Peace guys. I'll get back to this within the next couple days with revisions.
#8
Quote by Winter Sky
Thanks mamosa. Yeah, I was actually clean for almost 8 months until Monday night. I relapsed and took more than I'd ever done before and had a really rough night, so that's where this piece came from.

I'm glad that the background info helped the piece. I guess I should toss another drug reference in there somewhere.

I really appreciate the well-wishing. Peace guys. I'll get back to this within the next couple days with revisions.


Coming here makes me feel bad. 'Cos I realize so many people have harder times than me that I shouldn't bother ****ing whining about it to myself.

I miss self-pity

Hey! It's back
#9
On the whole, this was a good read. Some great imagery in the first stanza, "peach planks" and "sullen door" are especially striking. I also liked how, though you used a traditional ABAB rhyme scheme, you mixed it up a bit by employing some consonance (planks, please) and half rhymes (sunsets, presence).
The two main things I didn't like were the second stanza, which seemed kind of bland compared to the first, and the fact that this is so short. I think rewriting the second stanza with an eye towards the kind of great description you had in the first, and adding another stanza, would make these some amazing song lyrics.
EDIT: Just read your description of what this is really about, which gives the song a completely different meaning from what I thought. I still think you should rewrite the second stanza, though, and maybe make the drug references a little more obvious. Also, I actually think the choice of fleetingly in the last line could work well, you just have to be careful how you choose to sing it.
Last edited by TCS at Sep 10, 2009,