#1

"One pill, two pill, three pill, four.
Five pill, six pill, seven pill, floor."


A faint breeze from a silently spinning ceiling fan
delicately brushes her dry, bloodshot eyes open.
She is suddenly aware that
she is completely unaware of her surroundings.
The TV babbles a familiarly incoherent language
only five feet away, but the sounds wash over her ears
as if transmitted from a distant planet.
An attempt to stand up fails,
and the carpet feels like so many needles
brushing against her swollen, puffy face.
Second time's the charm,
as she manages to right herself
on feet she's not sure she even possesses anymore.
One foot in front of the other.
Left, right, left, right,
Left, left?
She's on the ground now, but she's still falling,
still cringing at the feel of pills rattling in her stomach.
Like little individual grenades, they
tick tick tick
inside her as she continues to fall.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Still laying down.
An attempt to move proves futile,
as the
tick, tick, tick
keeps her rooted in place.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
A flash of red, and then white.
Pure, overpowering white.


Grenade pins fall out of her limp, now lukewarm hands and get lost in the forest of needles on the carpet.




Another stupid ots, since that's all I can seem to write recently.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 9, 2009,
#2
Quote by Ganoosh
as she manages to right herself
on feet that she's not sure if she even possesses anymore.


Take out the "if" and the "that".

I was kind of iffy on this. Yay, a piece about drugs!
I also think a better phrase would be "the sound washes" rather than "the sounds wash". I don't know why, but I like it better.

I didn't like the grenade metaphor so much.

not one of your better pieces. It was fine, but meh.

Sig, biznatch.

PS what's your email?
#3
was good till like the middle. then all i could thing of was

"frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock!"

lmao
If a mortal stands before us
Strike him down with sleight of hand.
And if heaven rides against us
Then God himself must be damned.


Computer Science major! Apple enthusiast!
I wear Vibrams and type with Dvorak!
#4
Quote by mamosa
Take out the "if" and the "that".

I was kind of iffy on this. Yay, a piece about drugs!
I also think a better phrase would be "the sound washes" rather than "the sounds wash". I don't know why, but I like it better.

I didn't like the grenade metaphor so much.

not one of your better pieces. It was fine, but meh.

Sig, biznatch.

PS what's your email?



I agree with taking out the if and that. Thanks for the crit. I'll get to something in your sig soon.

noraa.shcuf@yahoo.com
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
I agree with taking out the if and that. Thanks for the crit. I'll get to something in your sig soon.

noraa.shcuf@yahoo.com


So your last name is Fuchs? You're Jewish. I know a few Fuchses. Where do you live? Wait, don't respond. We'll talk in a more appropriate place.
#6
Quote by mamosa
So your last name is Fuchs? You're Jewish. I know a few Fuchses. Where do you live? Wait, don't respond. We'll talk in a more appropriate place.



4chan?
If a mortal stands before us
Strike him down with sleight of hand.
And if heaven rides against us
Then God himself must be damned.


Computer Science major! Apple enthusiast!
I wear Vibrams and type with Dvorak!
#7
I liked this piece actually, if only because I can really relate to it. Grenades is a perfect metaphor for pills. God, the way it feels when they hit the bottom of your starved stomach and twist your guts around...

Anyway, nice descriptions for an OTS piece. It really does capture the thoughts and feelings of someone on drugs.
#8
Quote by Winter Sky
I liked this piece actually, if only because I can really relate to it. Grenades is a perfect metaphor for pills. God, the way it feels when they hit the bottom of your starved stomach and twist your guts around...

Anyway, nice descriptions for an OTS piece. It really does capture the thoughts and feelings of someone on drugs.


Goddamit I'm off today. I'm off S&L for a little while. I need time.
#9
Quote by Ganoosh

"One pill, two pill, three pill, four.
Five pill, six pill, seven pill, floor."


A faint breeze from a silently spinning ceiling fan
the rhythm here felt wrong for what you were saying for some reason. Felt like 'the ceiling fan spins silently duh duh duh duh duh duh duh breeze' or something like that was how it was meant to be. It's very odd to have that on the first real line! I think it's because the rhythm is so strong in the first two lines, you can't just change it to being this dry without it feeling wrong
delicately brushes her dry, bloodshot eyes open.
She is suddenly aware that
ergh at the linebreak
she is completely unaware of her surroundings.
nice
The TV babbles a familiarly incoherent language
only five feet away, but the sounds wash over her ears
as if transmitted from a distant planet.
almost nice, the assonance, but the word choices didn't quite work with it. You're using all kinds of different sounds the rest of the time, so the assonance once gives it a cynical feeling I don't think it wants
An attempt to stand up fails,
and the carpet feels like so many needles
maybe this transition could be rephrased? Starting with the carpet feeling like needles and then saying that she attempts to stand up- it's just more consistant. You could maybe even say it feels like needles, say the attempt fails, and THEN say that they brush against her face
brushing against her swollen, puffy face.
Second time's the charm,
'the' charm? Never heard it that way. 'a' charm is more natural and that lightness doesn't feel right here. It would work well, but it'd have to be done in a less blatant way
as she manages to right herself
on feet she's not sure she even possesses anymore.
not sure about this, whether I like it. I'm sure this could be phrased so as to create the feeling of not being sure whether you possess your feet anymore
One foot in front of the other.
Left, right, left, right,
Left, left?
maybe a linebreak between the two lefts? That might alleviate the need for italicisation
She's on the ground now, but she's still falling,
this could be made to feel more like your head, your mood and brain falling separately from your body, that'd be really sickly-intense, then you could say the contents of her stomach are still falling too
still cringing at the feel of pills rattling in her stomach.
Like little individual grenades, they
tick tick tick
I'd love you to write this without relying on the italics. That would make you concentrate more on phrasing (not like your phrasing is bad, but some of this could be more precise)
inside her as she continues to fall.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Still laying down.
An attempt to move proves futile,
as the
tick, tick, tick
the italics and linebreaks here lose me because they don't feel important
keeps her rooted in place.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
A flash of red, and then white.
Pure, overpowering white.


Grenade pins fall out of her limp, now lukewarm hands and get lost in the forest of needles on the carpet.


'needles on the carpet', both this time and the first could maybe be presented differently to make the reader feel it more. That would make this ending really strong.



Another stupid ots, since that's all I can seem to write recently.



I enjoyed this. I really did. I wish you'd write this stuff with the, if you don't mind me saying it, gimmicks. Concentrating on the words themselves.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Winter Sky: Thank you. I've never actually abused pills so I'm glad I could manage to capture what it is like with just my imagination.


Katherine: Thanks for that crit. Alot of things you said I agreed with alot. I think a(bad) theme with me lately is that I have been using weird gimmicks, as you said it, as a crutch and not relying on the actual words, because other people have said that to me several times recently. I see you have a new piece in your sig. I may not be able to get to it soon(I'm leaving in about thirty minutes to go out of state), but I promise I will get to it eventually. If not this, then I owe you a crit on your next piece.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#11
I thought that the title was awesome.

The first half was pretty good too.

But the second half...

...I'm not even trying to say that this is a bad piece. I just thought that the second half was ridiculously easy to see coming. I could tell that it was going to happen. And the last line seems almost overly descriptive. It's not like what I usually see from your writing. It almost reads like one of Zach's pieces, except that it doesn't mix humor in with the forboding tone. And there were too many ticks. I felt like the idea was good, but elaborating made it seem far too deliberate for me to fully enjoy it.

I can see why others would like it, though.