#1
It's the end of the line
In this four wheel coffin
No chance to escape
Death comes knockin'

Blinded by the light
Headed for a crash
No time to react
Gone in a flash

(Chorus)
It's the end of the line, Embrace it
Crashed & burned, Mutilated
What's left for you as you breathe your last breath
It's time to die, go embrace your death

What went wrong?
Was it too much?
Was it the light?
Or was it a slight touch?

Either way
Your end is near
Slam the breaks
Let go your fear

(Chorus)

The end is nigh
You're gonna die
Take one look at the sky
Prepare to say goodbye

It's time to let go
Head towards the light
Close your eyes
Enjoy your final night

Feel your body grow weak
As you meet your fate
They pull you out
But It's too late

(Chorus): x2

(I don't know why but every time I "sing" this I keep thinking "This would be perfect for Dave Mustaine's voice" XD)
#2
This was a bit "forced"
when you write, you gotta relax and let it come out,
then go back and tidy up

you can't just make words come out

try practicing on something small and simple,
a couple examples I've seen around here are things like...
the death of a butterfly
a pen
the things on your desk
a musical instrument
Write about something, dont worry about flow or rhythm or rhyming,
just write,
get some practice, learn to "feel" it, and just keep working at it
#3
I agree with the reviewer above me. It isnt bady written, about a guy who gets in a car accident and dies. But the lyrics seemed forced. Don't be a slave to choosing words b/c they rhyme, choose what tells your story best.
#4
Hey, I love this, would it be possible if i could use this? like we would give you credit and stuff.
#6
This is too uptight. Forced as I accuse way too many times. Just let the lyrics flow man. You don't have to rhyme for poetry but it helps if you can use it right. Here you just did not use it right. Other than that I like your originality and your imagery. It is very nice...just practice is needed on your rhyming.

I would suggest writing a sonnet as practice. When I wrote Fall of a Butterfly and posted it here, I did it as practice in rhyming and in symbolism. Ever since, I feel like I have not written anything better than that but after that I also felt like I did not force things anymore.

Just practice more and you will grow as a poet. You have the creativity to become great but you just need to establish the fundamentals. This is great. You can correct your problem. Alot of people cannot correct their lack of creativity.

Practice truly does make perfect.

Please return the favor...critique Heaven's Ring (official version)