#1
I hear silent clapping like slight palpitations on a doves chest,
or my idea of a dove, white, blue eyed, twig-in-claw,
cartoon beak, or just a face sillhouetted against a window
with it's soft glow, although it's just a photograph
of someone else I know but only in image. His face is yellow
in the glow of a light that is either sunset or sunrise,
or artificial incandescent behind a stage-set.
There are faded acne-pits on his chin and neck,
although they are hardly noticed among his deep wrinkles,
but they don't fog his face, that's what they would say.
They wouldn't dare.

It was Friday, August the 17th when I gave you
that autograph to sign and you asked me for a pen
I didn't have. I dashed back to where I came from,
and I returned with you gone. If we were cars
we would be saved from a collision but we are humans
and were not meant to avoid like dented bumpers
glaring red and white against each other, angry,
turned-down faces over opened doors, *arguments
arguments* etc. it's the gun that talks, really
"listen," no, "shut the **** up". They're the same thing.

You sugar-coat happiness in a sour cake.
I took as much as I could, I said
with a mouth full of proud silver spoon.
"You will feed me forever, will you?"
"Only for as long as I live, darling."
"Only for as long as you live, then!"
A high chair wobbled like a tower with contentment.
It seemed to nod, say yes, and that was that.

Things never said kept reappearing in walls, on the tiles
of the bathroom floor, on the faded floral wallpaper
that I traced my hands repeatedly over and looked
from a distance the various repeated patterns that formed it--
maybe some for economical reasons, really. But I gave it a reason
to do so. When you ran your hands over them,
I took it as a sign you understood.

In reality, two rabbits that don't talk to each other
become just two rabbits living in the same cage.

The elation I felt erased all previous action and impulse,
as every impulse seemed to bring the corners of my jaw
further and further upward, until it reached my head and
blew it like a balloon. I floated suspended in middair like that
until I realized there was a balcony and rested there.
Cars passed by in the rain miles below. I counted the windows.
My happiness was worth ten blocks. I leaned over the railing
and kissed a face.

The strangers below didn't care much for what happened above.
First there was Mr. Widower, who had teeth the size of bare knuckles.
He was watching tv the whole time. Then there was Mrs. Poodle
(who was in fact Mr. Widower's ex-husband) and she didn't have a poodle,
but she did look like one. I knew who they were because I made them up.
I imagine the final word to be something like,
"imma break your mother ****ing neck if you don't mother ****ing
shut up," and that closed the pheromonal door tight shut.

A closer look at the cars revealed two which have collided,
I knew because of the tight throng of people gathered around them.
"Hey you made it," a voice yelled out from behind.
My hands were still on my girl when the credits rolled
and our real names flashed on the screen in one direction:
down.

The empty streets made a mockery of me.


-----------------------
This needs a lot of editing, and some parts do not relate to each other, probably it even is near unreadable.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
Quote by Laces Out Danny
I hear silent clapping like slight palpitations on a doves chest,
I don't like this imagery you used here....s
or my idea of a dove, white, blue eyed, twig-in-claw,
cartoon beak, or just a face sillhouetted against a window
with it's soft glow, although it's just a photograph
"Its".
of someone else I know but only in image. His face is yellow
in the glow of a light that is either sunset or sunrise,
or artificial incandescent behind a stage-set.
So it's a famous person.... An actor or a musician....
There are faded acne-pits on his chin and neck,
although they are hardly noticed among his deep wrinkles,
but they don't fog his face, that's what they would say.
They wouldn't dare.
Yup. Definitely a famous person.

It was Friday, August the 17th when I gave you
So this "you" is the famous person? Because this stanza changes perspective and it's confusing. Because the only way this links up with the previous stanza is if the previous stanza was a description of the "you".
that autograph to sign and you asked me for a pen
I didn't have. I dashed back to where I came from,
and I returned with you gone. If we were cars
we would be saved from a collision but we are humans
and were not meant to avoid like dented bumpers
glaring red and white against each other, angry,
turned-down faces over opened doors, *arguments
arguments* etc. it's the gun that talks, really
"listen," no, "shut the **** up".
They're the same thing.
Wow. Gigantic run on sentence there. I also like the car idea, but it went on too long. Had you just said, "Had we been cars, we'd have been saved a collision/but we are human...." Plus, it kind of seems like you equate the dented bumpers with people.

You sugar-coat happiness in a sour cake.
I don't see the relevance here.
I took as much as I could, I said
with a mouth full of proud silver spoon.
No cake?
"You will feed me forever, will you?"
"Only for as long as I live, darling."
"Only for as long as you live, then!"
A high chair wobbled like a tower with contentment.
I dislike "tower of contentment" intensely. It isn't a simile you can use, because there's no such thing as a tower of contentment. And if there were towers of contentment, there's no way in hell that they would wobble.
It seemed to nod, say yes, and that was that.
I like this line a lot; how the idea of commitment is expressed through the child.

Things never said kept reappearing in walls, on the tiles
of the bathroom floor, on the faded floral wallpaper
that I traced my hands repeatedly over and looked
from a distance the various repeated patterns that formed it--
maybe some for economical reasons, really. But I gave it a reason
to do so. When you ran your hands over them,
I took it as a sign you understood.
I like this. It's weird, but I like it.

In reality, two rabbits that don't talk to each other
become just two rabbits living in the same cage.
I'm not sure why you used rabbits, but it works. I suspect it has something to do with your avatar.

The elation I felt erased all previous action and impulse,
as every impulse seemed to bring the corners of my jaw
further and further upward, until it reached my head and
blew it like a balloon. I floated suspended in middair like that
until I realized there was a balcony and rested there.
Cars passed by in the rain miles below. I counted the windows.
My happiness was worth ten blocks. I leaned over the railing
and kissed a face.
Eh. I'm not impressed.

The strangers below didn't care much for what happened above.
First there was Mr. Widower, who had teeth the size of bare knuckles.
He was watching tv the whole time. Then there was Mrs. Poodle
(who was in fact Mr. Widower's ex-husband) and she didn't have a poodle,
but she did look like one. I knew who they were because I made them up.
I imagine the final word to be something like,
"imma break your mother ****ing neck if you don't mother ****ing
shut up," and that closed the pheromonal door tight shut.

A closer look at the cars revealed two which have collided,
I knew because of the tight throng of people gathered around them.
"Hey you made it," a voice yelled out from behind.
My hands were still on my girl when the credits rolled
and our real names flashed on the screen in one direction:
down.

The empty streets made a mockery of me.


-----------------------
This needs a lot of editing, and some parts do not relate to each other, probably it even is near unreadable.


I understood each part, but a lot of them were unconnected, as you said, and I don't get why. It's good writing.

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