#1
I dance, in ballet, towards your house, up the steps,
one by one, two by two, a little mouse on a mission.
the road curves and arches as the rain sprinkles and spreads.
I'm ready to feed you within this music of mess,
supply you with a fusion of love and carelessness.
around the corner, you're the last one on a row;
always first to speak, always last to whore yourself out to me.
I'm a ballet boy with muscles of strength and joints of jelly,
check my breath, it's always nice.
I gracefully kick the door in, it's my routine,
you're standing there, baffled, in your pj's, make-up-less, unclean
Your eyes have that weirdness to them without liner
one traces one area of life, another, another
it's a fine line between your left and your right
and it makes me all the more short-sighted
a smile that makes saliva string out between your yellow teeth
ugly as the sin I'm feeding you with my telepathy...

“it's Sunday, I'm supposed to be here”
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I dance, in ballet, towards your house, up the steps,
one by one, two by two, a little mouse on a mission.
I love how these two lines flow
the road curves and arches as the rain sprinkles and spreads.
I'm ready to feed you within this music of mess,
supply you with a fusion of love and carelessness.
around the corner, you're the last one on a row;
always first to speak, always last to whore yourself out to me.
I feel this line really breaks the awesome flow you've built until this point.
I'm a ballet boy with muscles of strength and joints of jelly,
I dislike both "muscles of strenght" and "joints of jelly". Maybe "I'm a ballet boy with streght muscles and jelly joints" ?
check my breath, it's always nice.
Awkward line, but whatever
I gracefully kick the door in, it's my routine,
you're standing there, baffled, in your pj's, make-up-less, unclean
Your eyes have that weirdness to them without liner
I think these two lines are just great. Simple but beautifully put image. "Weirdness" sounds... weird, but I think it gives some charm to that line.
one traces one area of life, another, another
it's a fine line between your left and your right
and it makes me all the more short-sighted
a smile that makes saliva string out between your yellow teeth
ugly as the sin I'm feeding you with my telepathy...

“it's Sunday, I'm supposed to be here”
I don't understand this last line, but sounds cool in context.


This is the most decent piece from you since a long time. I mean, I always think your latest pieces are too strange and I never quite get them (as I don't get the last line, but it sounds cool, as I said before). I think I have nothing else to say, Just try to work on those two or three lines, especially the one that goes "always the first to speak" etc. Great piece.
#3
i love it, it starts out all fancy and pretty and stuff, then it starts to become kinda twisted. VERY good transition
#4
I liked how the flow changed abruptly after the first 2 lines.

I liked this. Not fabulous, but definitely a good read.

but mostly I agree with seventh_angel.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I dance, in ballet, towards your house, up the steps,
one by one, two by two, a little mouse on a mission.
the road curves and arches as the rain sprinkles and spreads.
You've capitalised 'I's after full stops and so I feel you should capitalise all words after full stops
I'm ready to feed you within this music of mess,
'feed you within this music of mess' could do with rephrasing
supply you with a fusion of love and carelessness.
around the corner, you're the last one on a row;
always first to speak, always last to whore yourself out to me.
I'm a ballet boy with muscles of strength and joints of jelly,
check my breath, it's always nice.
could do with some end of line rhyme or assonance with 'nice'. Now it feels like it doesn't fit
I gracefully kick the door in, it's my routine,
'routine' is a strange word choice. Far too blank after the jelly stuff
you're standing there, baffled, in your pj's, make-up-less, unclean
Your eyes have that weirdness to them without liner
there's no full stop here and you've capitalised 'your'. Oh, and a comma after this maybe?
one traces one area of life, another, another
semi-colon after life? That's how lists that involve commas in each segment do it, yeah? It'd straighten the idea out more
it's a fine line between your left and your right
and it makes me all the more short-sighted
a smile that makes saliva string out between your yellow teeth
ugly as the sin I'm feeding you with my telepathy...
could do with some punctuation here, maybe, keeping it going

“it's Sunday, I'm supposed to be here”
it's nice but I'm not sure what it means.


There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
very, very nice. i hate the awkwardness of the word telepathy, and thats about it. no complaints.
#10
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I dance, in ballet, towards your house, up the steps,
one by one, two by two, a little mouse on a mission.
These two lines were a bit broken, but it kinda grew on me. Unfortunately, I don't think you carried this broken rhythm quite the same way through the rest of the poem.

the road curves and arches as the rain sprinkles and spreads.
I'm ready to feed you within this music of mess,
supply you with a fusion of love and carelessness.
around the corner, you're the last one on a row;
Honestly, these lines were a bit sloppy. Didn't really gain much from them, they were more filler than anything else, and they did a fairly good job of breaking the mood you had going.

always first to speak, always last to whore yourself out to me.
I'm a ballet boy with muscles of strength and joints of jelly,
First line's fine, but "muscles of strength and joints of jelly" don't seem to fit well together, but maybe that's just me being stubborn.

check my breath, it's always nice.
I gracefully kick the door in, it's my routine,
you're standing there, baffled, in your pj's, make-up-less, unclean
Your eyes have that weirdness to them without liner
one traces one area of life, another, another
Here, you had a hint of that flow from the beginning, and the rhymes were ingenius, but having "another, another" there kinda threw me off.

it's a fine line between your left and your right
and it makes me all the more short-sighted
a smile that makes saliva string out between your yellow teeth
ugly as the sin I'm feeding you with my telepathy...
The first three lines seemed purposefully gross, but that last one was just a bit off.... Imo, it's just out of place, i guess

“it's Sunday, I'm supposed to be here”

I can't shake the feeling that you posted this before you were finished with it
#11
greyeyedfire - yeah, I did post this before it was finished. But I wanted to do that.

Andre:
- Yeah, I see what you mean, but like synth said, it was very backhanded.

nah, I'm appreciate everyones comments, all the time.
#12
Why must you always be so harsh when critiquing my pieces? Anyways, i really do appreciate it. I have to say overall I really did enjoy this piece. "I'm a ballet boy with muscles of strength and joints of jelly,". The line really bothered me. Not for the content but for the structure. I would like that line have an internal rhyme scheme like the previous line had with "speak" and "me". I felt that the "road curves and arches line" was unneccessary. I don't know, I just really didn't care about that line. Also a some minor suggestion. Instead of the word "fusion", why not mix.? Mix seems to fit well with "feed" from the previous line since they both do with food. Anyways, good job, man.

oh and your sig is teh awesomeness.