#1
This is the man in a scary black van.
His are the hands on an open beer can.
These are his eyes both callous and cold.
His is a story not often told.
This is his life as hard as it gets.
His is a heart without regrets.
These were his choices each worse than the last.
His is a future the same as his past.
This is the street where he’s turning his van.
His are the fingers killing its lamps.
This is a child with innocent eyes.
Hers is the voice that splits the night.
These are her cries as she runs for her dad.
Hers is the man in the scary black van.
#2
Wow, those lyrics are pretty different to stuff you usually see. They're definitely very sinister and conjure up evil imagery and all that stuff quite successfully. Eek! Does the last line have a typo, though?
#3
Wow. I love all the things that you write. This one was no exception. i loved how the first rhyme was kind of playful-ish and light, but it got darker and darker throughout the poem, and then it stepped out of the dark again. It's also a theme that everyone kind of jokes about, but you managed to make it scary. Genuinely scary. Overall great piece! Would you check out mine please? it's in my sig.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#4
This is the man in a scary black van.
His are the hands on an open beer can.
These are his eyes both callous and cold.
His is a story not often told.
Flow is a bit off... it needs one more syllable. Well, it doesn't need it, but it warrants it.
This is his life as hard as it gets.
His is a heart without regrets.
Heart? I would have though "life". Unless you're trying to say his heart can't feel regret, in which case I'd say "His is a heart incapable of regret."
These were his choices each worse than the last.
His is a future the same as his past.
This is the street where he’s turning his van.
His are the fingers killing its lamps.

This is a child with innocent eyes.
Hers is the voice that splits the night.
I hate this line.
These are her cries as she runs for her dad.
Hers is the man in the scary black van.

I dislike the repetition. All your pieces that I've seen have been built on repetition. It gets annoying and it gets boring.
Also, there are some places (I'll bold them) that the rhymes seem unnatural. There are also some stupid, useless lines you put in there, seemingly for rhyming purposes (I'll italicize them). There are some more rhymes and lines that aren't too great, but they're serviceable.

Crit the last one in my sig?
#6
I don't really agree with Mamosa. Your stuff doesn't repeat a lot. And repitition is ALWAYS good in songs, especially when you relate to your first line with your last one. It always gives that suspense to the reader or listener. Great job
FUNK.

My acoustic orginals
My voice isn't that great...but take a listen. I still have yet to perfect my vocals


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#7
Quote by HelzAngl
I don't really agree with Mamosa. Your stuff doesn't repeat a lot. And repitition is ALWAYS good in songs, especially when you relate to your first line with your last one. It always gives that suspense to the reader or listener. Great job


You really don't see the repetition?!

This is...
his is...
This is...
his is...
This is...
his is...
This is...
his is...
This is...
his is...
This is...
his is...
etc.
#8
Wow, all I can say is that I didn't see that coming.

I wish you were able to make every line ten syllables though, which is probably the most least important point that I could make on this (but the only actual critique)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#10
Quote by clichealias
Ehhhh. Very contrived, empty and blunt.

Doesn't help that that title is one that is my favorite book.


The French short story?
#11
Quote by denizenz
This is the man in a scary black van.
His are the hands on an open beer can.
These are his eyes both callous and cold.
I like the alliteration here.
His is a story not often told.
This is his life as hard as it gets.
This rhyme seems really, really forced. See what you can do to come up with a better line
His is a heart without regrets.
These were his choices each worse than the last.
His is a future the same as his past.
This is the street where he’s turning his van.
His are the fingers killing its lamps.
I don't really understand this line. It doesn't rhyme and it just doesn't make sense. What exactly were you trying to do here?
This is a child with innocent eyes.
Hers is the voice that pierces the night.
That's the word I would have used there
These are her cries as she runs for her dad.
Followed by the man in the scary black van.
This might screw up the idea of the piece, but I think this flows better. Imo, it creates a bit of a cliff hanger: What happens to the little girl? Does she get to her dad, or does the man get her?


Personally I didn't mind the repetition; I didn't even notice the This is...His are thing until Mamosa pointed it out. Anyways, my criticism is in green, but make sure you don't change everything in your piece based on our opinions, it is after all you piece.

Also, do you think you could crit mine when you have time? Thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1199175
#12
Ok, thanks again all. I've critiqued everyone who pointed me to a specific piece.

I see where mamosa is coming from with the repetition. It just happens that my last few pieces have used that form, but it was deliberate here. I really wanted to give the reader the sense that the story could be anticipated in order to emphasize the twist in the final line. Also, I tried to use language that could be given a brighter context once the reader realized that the man is really only a stranger to them and not to the girl in the story. I don't know if I went too dark, but I desired for people to consider the ways that they typecast or project their own emotions onto someone without really knowing specifics about their character.

@ mamosa - In the line about regret, I really wanted to use the word remorse, but I thought that may be too damning. I wanted people to assume the man was a criminal...not to actually make him one.

@ Ace1013 - I felt I could get away with a partial rhyme between van and lamps. I was just trying to build suspense there, partially because the word "kill" appears in the line, but also because the man is getting out of the van and turning off its headlamps or headlights. Also, changing the final line like you've suggested would entirely ruin the piece. The man in the van is the child's loving father.