#1
c4c

It's happened.
My sadness sets in
as she noticeably stiffens,
never to relax again.

I sit in the shower,
back pressed against
the wall, legs spread out.
They become wet from
being spread on the
damp floor.
And I remark to myself
how pretty these
powder blue tiles
are. Especially when
matched to the blue
tinted glass that forms
the partition.
I never really noticed
the beauty before.
I rather wish I had....
Although, I never
really showered in it.
It was her room.
Her shower.
Not mine.

But, it's just so...
pretty.
The wonderfully warm
white showerhead
always showered me
with love
when I needed peace,
needed security,
needed a shower.

It was her shower.

I let slip not a tear,
for all my sadness
remains inside me.
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 15, 2009,
#3
I like the emotion conveyed through it, and I definitely get what you're trying to get across. Very easy to relate to. However, I didn't feel any rhythm or flow to it, which as it was separated, made it a little hard to read.
#4
Quote by mamosa
c4c

It's happened.
My sadness sets in
as she noticeably stiffens.
Great way to begin. Maybe that first line is kind of overused, but I like it this way.

I sit in the shower,
back pressed against
the wall, legs spread out.
My legs become wet from
being pressed to the
damp floor.
I don't like the repetition of "legs" and "pressed". You could find better words to this. Also, "from being" is unpoetic and ugly (even though sometimes I use it).
And I remark to myself
how pretty these
powder blue tiles
are. Especially when
matched to the blue
tinted glass that forms
the partition.
Funny how I
never really noticed,
huh?
Meh to these three lines.
Although, I never
really showered in it.
It was her room.
Her shower.
Not mine.

But, it's just so
pretty. The wonderful
white showerhead
always showered me
with love
when I need peace,
needed security,
needed a shower.
I like this stanza except the last line. Also, I think it would be prettier like this:
(...)
always showered me
with love
when I needed
peace and security


I let slip not a tear,
for all my sadness
remains inside me.
I like this ending, but it isn't strong enough.


The thing is, I like the idea behind this but this felt really emotionless. Since it's just ots, I'm probably "demanding" but it's what I think. I feel this could go somewhere further and better than this and this is not bad at all.
#5


I'm really, really, really, really bad with repeating words so close to each other.

And my personal favorite lines were the last ones. Because it occurred to me that they were true.
Example (not my motivation for writing them, but....):When my grandmother who I was very close to died, I didn't cry at all. Not a tear. But I was horribly depressed. And it occurred to me (another repetition!!!) that crying lets emotion out.

Also, I keep trying to slip in and out of distraction and melancholy in this piece. Like one moment, I'm really sad, the other I'm distracting myself with thoughts of the shower, but that backfires and I'm left with sadness again.... Did that show?
#6
Oh, I got it better now. Now that you say that, yeah, it did show. However, I think you pay too much attention to your distraction and you let your emotions away for too long. But yeah, I'm like you in that sense, so I understand you clearly.

EDIT: And thanks for the enlightenment
#8
Quote by mamosa
c4c

It's happened.
My sadness sets in
as she noticeably stiffens.
The beginning is all right

I sit in the shower,
back pressed against
the wall, legs spread out.
They become wet from
being spread on the
damp floor.
I don't really like these 6 lines. There is no rhythm, and the bit about your legs becoming wet is pointless imo
And I remark to myself
how pretty these
powder blue tiles
are. Especially when
matched to the blue
tinted glass that forms
the partition.
I like these lines a lot more than the ones above. They are important to the piece, unlike the wet legs line. I still don't like the fact that there is no rhythm
I never really noticed
the beauty before.
I rather wish I had....
Although, I never
really showered in it.
It was her room.
Her shower.
Not mine.
The short sentences here were nice. As if you were coming back into reality after daydreaming for a second

But, it's just so
pretty. The wonderful
white showerhead
always showered me
with love
when I needed peace,
needed security,
needed a shower.
No rhythm again. Besides that the lyrics are fine

It was her shower.

I let slip not a single tear,
for all my sadness
remains inside me.
Love the ending. Think about adding the word I included


Overall it was a good piece. I know you trying to make it seem like you were just babbling in your grief, but I didn't like the lack of rhythm. Or the wet legs line. But besides that it was all good.
#9
I agree with seventh angel that it felt almost detached in a way. But I liked the frequent line breaks, it made this move at a nice, swift pace. Not much else I can say, really...
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
Since others have commented on content and the emotion within, I like how this piece reads and how it sounds when spoken aloud. I don't know if it was intentional, but there is a constant consonance that flows through the piece by virtue of the fact that nearly every line contains a word with an "ar" or "er" sound. I also enjoyed the half rhyme between "match" and "glass" in the middle of the work.
#11
You're telling me that some random tiles are stunning and giving me no reason to believe it because you're just going 'they're pretty' and then you're basing the entire piece on this idea. You're talking about something as stunningly boring as a shower; you NEED to inject some passion into it. But instead you just say that it's pretty and don't bother making us see it; it's like YOU don't care, so why would I care? It's a shower, she left you, deal with it.

The line breaks inject a strange kind of rythmn into it, which I'd say was a good thing if they didn't come in the most random places;

'But, it's just so
pretty'


feels very much like you're trying to not bother explaining yourself and so instead are using the line breaks as a cover up. The line breaks make this piece feel more detatched because you've even saying things are next to each other and then seperating them.

needed a shower.

It was her shower


is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. I don't think I need to go into it.

The ending was quite nice, and I wish wish wish that you just based the whole piece on that idea, because I CARED about that idea because YOU CARED about that idea. You see?

You've been posting loads of pieces recently and ots/c4cing them. Go back to your pieces afterwards and edit; if you just leave other people to do all the thinking all the time you're not going to get anywhere with your writing and your pieces won't improve as much. Please edit your own pieces and then actually take in the advice given to you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
Quote by DigUpHerBones
You're telling me that some random tiles are stunning and giving me no reason to believe it because you're just going 'they're pretty' and then you're basing the entire piece on this idea. You're talking about something as stunningly boring as a shower; you NEED to inject some passion into it. But instead you just say that it's pretty and don't bother making us see it; it's like YOU don't care, so why would I care? It's a shower, she left you, deal with it.

The line breaks inject a strange kind of rythmn into it, which I'd say was a good thing if they didn't come in the most random places;

'But, it's just so
pretty'


feels very much like you're trying to not bother explaining yourself and so instead are using the line breaks as a cover up. The line breaks make this piece feel more detatched because you've even saying things are next to each other and then seperating them.

needed a shower.

It was her shower


is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. I don't think I need to go into it.

The ending was quite nice, and I wish wish wish that you just based the whole piece on that idea, because I CARED about that idea because YOU CARED about that idea. You see?

You've been posting loads of pieces recently and ots/c4cing them. Go back to your pieces afterwards and edit; if you just leave other people to do all the thinking all the time you're not going to get anywhere with your writing and your pieces won't improve as much. Please edit your own pieces and then actually take in the advice given to you.


I do need to edit my own pieces and I'm kind of dumb for not doing so, but I mainly write when I feel I can. If I'm listening to a song and a line strikes me, watching a movie/tv show and a concept intrigues me. So I kind of write spur-of-the-moment.

And either you misunderstand or I failed in this piece. She didn't leave. She died. I thought it was clear that a mom/grandma/aunt etc. died. After all, why would we have separate showers? That was the whole crux of the piece. And since she died and I was in shock, I kept trying to divert myself from my sadness, which kept pulling me back. Which is why it's so detached and the line breaks are the way they are.

And the pretty line... there's meant to be a pause, so I guess I should've added an ellipse.

And then at the end, the whole diversion scheme fails and he realizes his depression.

I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch ignoring good advice, so can you just tell me if that showed through or if it needs to be completely revamped.
#13
Thanks for the crit on Selfish Sacrifice. (I know it's no Doppelganger Rose, but that was something of a thunderbolt of creativity there ) Anyways, on to the crit

Most of the things I would say have been addressed to some degree by the others before me. I liked how you began. The beginning and the end were definitely my favorite parts of this.

The middle is where I kinda feel a little meh about it. I kind of agree with digupherbones and I kind of don't. While I understand you were getting across a sensation of shock and such, it seems like you did it a little too well. It lacks emotion. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't in the middle and the majority of the piece. But you definitely did get it across

I have to say I didn't really care for the seemingly random line breaks, but it's not something I really let myself get bothered by anymore, since it's become fairly popular. I basically ignored them for the most part while reading it so it didn't really affect the flow (which I thought was fine).

All said, I liked this piece but it won't be one of my favorites. I guess what sets this one apart in my head is that rather than saying "I am angry/confused, she left me!" you did a stunning job of showing the sense of shellshock. Nicely done. The one thing I think would improve this the most is if you expanded a little bit more on the emotional side of things near the end, but then that might take away from what you were actually trying to convey so... your call.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Sep 14, 2009,
#14
The line breaks, for me, created the feeling you get when you're trying to catch your breath, where you say three or four words and take a huge inhalation of air and then three or four more words. I think that effect it created worked well with the idea of the piece, how the narrator's loved one has left them and he/she doesn't know how to think about it. The situation has left them reeling, left them gasping for air. Not sure if that was your intention or not but that's how I read it.

I have to agree with DigUpHerBones in that you didn't salvage a shower's inherent boringness with your writing. I failed to see it's emotional significance besides it's prettiness and how it may have reminded the narrator of the person who has left him/her. There wasn't enough meat in that middle stanza to overly impress me. I was still able to feel the narrator's pain slightly (the last stanza was particulary good, in my opinion) but I didn't feel as much as I thought I ought to. I'm not sure how to exactly remedy that but I if you pick something as mundane as a showerhead or blue tiles, then you'll have to really drive its significance down our throats. Just my opinion though.

With some editing, this could be really good.
here, My Dear, here it is
#15
First of all thank you for the crit.

"I let slip not a tear,
for all my sadness
remains inside me."

I loved those lines. I really think that helped tie the piece together. Maybe it's just me, but the narrator seemed to be trying to hide his emotion by distracting himself. You know with "Ooh shower! Pretty, yeah!". Anyways, I really liked the tone this piece had.

"They become wet from
being spread on the
damp floor."

I don't see how those lines are necessary. It just seems to me like, "Of course your feet are gonna be wet if they are on a damp floor. Why are you telling us this?".

At any rate, nice job.
#17
I kinda figured that they were there to denote recency. I don't know, I still don't like those lines though. I'm probably just being stubborn is all.
#18
I don't really like them much either, tbh.... But I can't think of something to replace them. So until I do, they stay.

Thanks for the crit.