#1

Wake up again, eyes are aching
Forgot to take my contacts out
I take a breath and look around
Let the fan play with my morning hair
You haven't moved yet, you're not awake yet
Your hair's a mess and your hand's on me
You've got my purple hankercheif tied around your neck
Don't wanna move it
You can keep it
It looks better on you anyway
Moved a pillow between your hand and my hip
So you won't feel the difference in your grip
Search the floor for my clothes
Put them on without a sound
Roll on my socks
Lace up my shoes
And if there's time,
a kiss goodbye

I'll never know the name of the girl
still staring at me from behind closed eyes
I don't know what to do now
as I lay here staring back at her
I know that I can't stay
so I guess I'll just walk away before she wakes up

You don't make the slightest noise
as I stumble out the door
I thought about leaving my number
but then I thought what for
You're just going to hate me
when you wake up wrapped in empty bedsheets
Screaming the fake name I told you
But nobody around here knows me

I'll never know the name of the girl
still holding on to me with her broken heart
I can only hope I made a mistake
and she'll run up from behind me asking
why I stayed by the door
wondering what I was waiting for
As you took your time catching up to me
Taking care not to notice
how you haven't fixed your hair

And the words will spin in circles
so twisted up in the mess in the back of my head
As you wrap your hands around my neck
making sure you don't forget to scream
The cigarettes on your breath keep pulling me in
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't give in
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Sep 13, 2009,
#2
I'm really not sure why, but this struck me as more immature than other things I have read of you. As it progressed(please stay with me here, I'm going somewhere slightly positive with this.) it seemed more and more like one of those driveling love(?) songs that everyone writes when they first start writing, the kind that refer directly to a girl in first person, using alot of "you"s and such---except this was actually well written.

I mean I really did enjoy it. You've written better, though.

EDIT: On second thought, this was overly harsh-I didn't give it enough credit where due. My opinion still stands, just not as strongly as before.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 13, 2009,
#3
I really like this. I really really like this.

The fact that you stuck to a steady set of wordage was excellent and demonstrated enormous amounts of growth, discernment and maturity. Yet, it still retained a sense of artistic worldliness. i.e. you took a situation/feeling and redone it to your own specifications, and that always is fine with me, because I'm able to recognize how much it means to you, which encourages me and helps me enjoy the read much more.

My favourite part of the piece is this bit:
"And if there's time,
a kiss goodbye"

-I've never known a comma take so much sway and prowess in a piece. Just perfect. Absolutely well done, mate.

The idea of someone staring at you behind closed eyes is very romantic and so ideal, because it's a metaphor, feeling and notation that is often missed and overlooked - maybe because of it's obviousness. But, ironically, it's because her eyes are closed that you don't see it (them) - which is brilliant.

To me, though, the only thing I could suggest to alter for your next piece (or more remind you of to continue with and not forget) - if you decide to follow this route with another example - is to make sure that every little detail has a huge impact on the piece.
For instance, the introduction talks about "contact lenses" and how you forgot to take them off. That was well placed, as it exhibited how flustered and fast making love to woman can be. The "heat of the moment" as they say.
And the "fan" idea: even after a nights sleep you still needed cooling down.
But the "purple handkerchief" eluded me and it's reasononing. Maybe it has some sort of emotional value/connection for you, but I'm finding it hard to see where that is outlined and personified for the reader.
"stumbling" out the door doesn't quite feel right, either. You're stumbling quietly? I kinda can see it's coolness, but it's nothing special. With a piece as unimportant as this, making every line important is an absolute must in my book. You're taking what is common and making it lucid and intense - yet, the commonality of it will still be uniform and present to the reader who just scans over it. Read into it more, though, and you'll be rewarded.

"Screaming the fake name I told you
But nobody around here knows me"

- This had a cute stutter to it.

In the conclusion of the opening stanza, the way you created every minor detail was lovely. It seemed pointless to begin with but it grew on me very quickly.

The last two paragraphs tripped over themselves a little to me eyes. One or two minor line breaks I wasn't keen on; a repetition of "me" in one line... it could do with a little tarting maybe?

Yeah, great read.