#1
C4C ( leave link )


There's a shy sun
sketching a smile
on a sky fading to pink.
It's like I woke up late
in a day painted
by my mind's ink.

Today nothing will bring me down.

Almost five in the afternoon
and the house isn't warm enough,
so I'm catwalking curled up
in a rug across the cold floored
hall; barefoot but comfortable
in my own peace of mind.

Today nothing will bring me down.

My hamsters are in their home,
hoping the shy sun's rays
won't penetrate their hay
fortress. I, however,
want a smile sketched on my face
for worse days to come.

Today nothing will bring me down.

Rain.
We farewell the shy sun,
still struggling between
the shelter of clouds
to where people bolt.
Down the street, early teens
discover love in blushed cheeks
and ignore the drops
staining their clothes
and mussing their hair.

Today nothing will bring them down.

And I sit back in this recliner,
careless about my solitude
and about everything in general,
except that
today nothing will bring me down,
even everything that can.

I think I hear the rain drops stop,
and they do. Quick sky's tears
didn't wet the asphalt. As the sun,
as shy as before, begins to dry
drops in cars and scars in the teens
that proceed their kiss
unaware of everything.

Out of nowhere, it blasted the clouds
when it started to set in its magnificence,
behind the trees in the park down the street,
as it paints the sky in a blazing orange,
just as I wanted to portray
the end of a perfect day.

No, today nothing will bring me down,
but tonight tends to turn things around.

Still,
I'll still this.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 12, 2009,
#2
Wow man... Your an amazing writer. I read most of your work after I read this. I look forward to more posts!
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#3
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C ( leave link )

There's a shy sun
sketching a smile
on a sky fading to pink.
Love the "shy sun sketching..." imagery here.
It's like I woke up late
in a day painted
by my mind's ink.
Referring to your perfect day? Kind of an odd turn of phrase, but it's kinda nice.

Today nothing will bring me down.

Almost five in the afternoon
and the house isn't warm enough,
so I'm catwalking curled up
What's catwalking?
in a rug across the cold floored
hall; barefoot but comfortable
in my own peace of mind.
"Cold floored hall?" Not very good.

Today nothing will bring me down.

My hamsters are in their home,
I like the use of "home" over "cage". It adds to the "Today nothing will bring me down" idea you've been setting up so well.
hoping the shy sun's rays
I would've liked "shy sun's smile" or something like that. Something that refers back to the first verse.
won't penetrate their hay
fortress. I, however,
want a smile sketched on my face
for worse days to come.
The last sentence is eh.

Today nothing will bring me down.

Rain.
We farewell the shy sun,
still struggling between
the shelter of clouds
to where people bolt.
Down the street, early teens
discover love in blushed cheeks
and ignore the drops
staining their clothes
and messing their hair.
I think it should be "messing up" or "mussing" because "messing" just doesn't cut it. And rain doesn't stain, but I fail to come up with a better words that maintains the flow.

Today nothing will bring them down.

And I sit back in this recliner,
For some reason I'd prefer it if you said "my recliner".
careless about my solitude
and about everything in general,
except that
today nothing will bring me down,
even everything that can.
I kind of like how the character is so intent on staying happy. He's working hard to ignore the rain et al.

I thought I heard the rain drops stop,
and they did. Quick sky's tears
didn't wet the asphalt. As the sun,
as shy as before, begins to dry
drops in cars and scars in the teens
that proceed their kiss
unaware of everything.
What scars? And in order to keep the tense the same, you have to change the first sentence to "I think I hear the rain drops stopping/and they are...." But also, I don't see how you can hear the lack of something...

Out of nowhere, it blasted the clouds
Do you mean "through the clouds"?
when it started to set in its magnificence,
for writing "its"
behind the trees in the park down the street,
as it paints the sky in a blazing orange,
just as I wanted to portray
the end of a perfect day.

No, today nothing will bring me down,
but tonight tends to turn things around.

Still,
I'll still this.


I don't get the last two lines at all.... I liked this piece a lot. I like the kind of forced happiness I'm seeing here. I guess that's why it's called Sept. 12th....
#4
Changes were made. Thanks for your comment. Catwalking doesn't exist, but the idea is that he's walking like he would be on the catwalk, he's peacocking, showing off, whatever. The staining rain symbolizes how "unframed" they are, and their carelessness that that moment will leave scars/stains in them. That's the meaning of the scars also. The ending refers to the clear fear of the main character in facing the night, and the darkness it may bring to his life. So he'll just still that moment of happiness. The main goal of this piece is to show at what point will someone lock in himself.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 12, 2009,
#5
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C ( leave link )
I think I hear the rain drops stop,
and they are.


Forgot this part, bud. It should be "do".
#8
today nothing will bring me down,
but tonight tends to turn things around

to that, dammit. That's beautiful. Have to say I didn't care so much for the rest of this, but that line, dammnnnn.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!