#1
This is a song I am working on currently and does need some help. Here we go...

Quest For A Princess

I know of your existance but location is unknown
The powers in the sky just won't unleash you til I'm grown
With current lies and mistakes n all excuses
I will greet her warm with the love she introduces
Gazing at the moon wondering if you are to
Dreaming of the day I will be right beside you
And when that day comes I will bask in the moment
The worlds weight lifted from my shoulders from such torment

Where can you be, Princess of mine..
My only soulmate, my partner, valentine
Where can you be, Princess of mine...
My only soulmate. my partner, valentine

I'll scour the ocean and chase the setting sun
Cuz I know nothins gonna hold me back from this one
I'd walk a million miles, do anything just to find her
A journey through flames to get my heart out of the grinder
I've been in the gutter and emotionally obliterated
I know I'm not an angel I'm a sinner at best
I'm on the lockdown, waiting for you to medicate me
With cupids bows n arrows ready to sedate me

Where can you be, Princess of mine..
My only soulmate, my partner, valentine
Where can you be, Princess of mine...
My only soultmate. my partner, valentine



If you could comments on any of it or any particular lines that would be appreciated. Also, I need an other verse so any ideas on where to go and what direction to do with it would be great.
Last edited by BR0KENHEARTED at Sep 12, 2009,
#2
Well, I like it, im going to tell you a personal tip.

No offense at all, I really love this, greatly spoken and all, but a little, err, gay..

I used to write stuff like this, and I thought it was great, but when things happened, it hardened me, and now stuff like this just seems, not so, idk appealing.

No offense at all though.
RIP Terje (Valfar) Bakken
#3
This is a song I am working on currently and does need some help. Here we go...

Quest For A Princess

I know how your existance but location is unknown
Huh? Wtf does that mean?
The powers in the sky just won't unleash you til I'm grown
With current lies and mistakes n all excuses
I will greet her warm with the love she introduces
"Induces" would work better than "introduces".
Gazing at the moon wondering if you are to
If she is to...... what?
Dreaming of the day I will be right beside you
And when that day comes I will bask in the moment
The worlds weight lifted from my shoulders from such torment
Tense shift.

Where can you be, Princess of mine..
My only soulmate, my partner, valentine
Where can you be, Princess of mine...
My only soulmate. my partner, valentine
Useless chorus. Not particularly nice and doesn't communicate anything you haven't already.

I'll scour the ocean and chase the setting sun
Cuz I know nothins gonna hold me back from this one
I'd walk a million miles, do anything just to find her
A journey through flames to get my heart out of the grinder
I've been in the gutter and emotionally obliterated
Terrible flow..
I know I'm not an angel I'm a sinner at best
I'm on the lockdown, waiting for you to medicate me
With cupids bows n arrows ready to sedate me

Where can you be, Princess of mine..
My only soulmate, my partner, valentine
Where can you be, Princess of mine...
My only soultmate. my partner, valentine



If you could comments on any of it or any particular lines that would be appreciated. Also, I need an other verse so any ideas on where to go and what direction to do with it would be great.

Your rhymes are, almost all of them, terribly forced. You use too many cliches and approach this from a totally unoriginal perspective. And since you obviously aren't singing this to anyone specific and using such a cliched idea, I just don't see the point.

EDIT: ^ Ignore that insecure jackass....
#4
Ya some of this was terribly forced as I needed to come up with lyrics for already written music pretty urgently. Before I started all over completely was just seeing if there was anything to actually keep at all first. Guess not though.
#5
Quote by BR0KENHEARTED
Ya some of this was terribly forced as I needed to come up with lyrics for already written music pretty urgently. Before I started all over completely was just seeing if there was anything to actually keep at all first. Guess not though.


I'll be glad to help you. PM me.
#6
An average-to-good lyric ... I like it, it's simple and it would appear it wasn't rushed when composed
#7
EDIT Just read your post about needing the lyrics urgently ... in that case even better because it reads well for a time-constricted piece!
#8
Thanx bud. The flow does work with the way I sing it. I need to start to work on a third verse to record this soon. Any ideas where I should go with it?
#9
Quote by BR0KENHEARTED
Thanx bud. The flow does work with the way I sing it. I need to start to work on a third verse to record this soon. Any ideas where I should go with it?


LonelyStarts & Br0kenHearts?