#1
C4C- leave a link


Khom Fai

Blazing.
Into the sky they soared.
Each candle was a lost soul, heading in the only direction possible.
A thousand lights filled the cool Autumn air
as the flames seemingly dancing beside the stars.
Floating higher and higher with each passing moment,
effortlessly carrying burdens out of sight and out of mind.
Illuminating the night, the paper balloons carried onward into the darkness.

From the ground, the crinkling of the paper could not be heard.
Changing direction, the flames became one with the wind.
One by one each balloon was engulfed in flame,
embers raining down upon the crowd.
The wind whisked away bits of burning paper off into the distance.
Scattered about, each piece landed tenderly in the brush.

The hillside roared with the crackling of burning foliage,
the fire raging on.
Out of nowhere, it began to downpour,
the sky spitting on the Earth below in sharp, painful drops.
A bolt of lightning struck, as if the day had awoke.
The cry of thunder roared, as if it were in the heat of battle.
All of a sudden, the rain ceased, the sky yielding to the intense flames rising upward.
Smoke still flowing in black clouds, the night growing darker.
Only the stars could be seen through the thick curtain of gasses.
Alone, with no flames.
Like a sky lantern
Last edited by muel333 at Sep 13, 2009,
#2
The first few lines really hooked me into the song. They really give you a powerful image to think about, and that makes things much more interesting.

My favorite part about the entire thing is the emphasis on symbolizing fire. Very nice, Very original.

Also the last words "Like a Sky Lantern" has that same pull that the first few lines do.

My Newest song that needs help: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1199331


Four Year Strong Plays in D Standard. Not Drop D.
Quote by Ed Hunter

I just slapped the computer screen with my dick because of this thread.
#3
There's no feeling, no emotion behind this. It just seems like a bunch of pretty words trying to work together to make me say "wow". And if it had had something for me to latch on to and get emotionally attached to, it would have. That's what it lacked, the one thing that could have pushed it over the edge. I didn't get into it, just read it.

Now, what I "just read" was very well written. I like the imagery.

Also, you have no idea what proper punctuation can do to the feeling of a piece. Try commas and periods, and it will work wonders.

If you have time, you could take a look at the link in my sig.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
^^ I'm with him for now,
but im too tired to really add anything constructive,
i'll edit in if i think of something worth mentioning
#5
Ok, i'll edit it up a bit- I don't really know exactly what kind of emotion this is lacking. This is a problem I seem to come to quite often now. I can write it well, but it always seems to be a bit dry. Thanks for mentioning that though, now I know it wasn't just me who thought that. I'll take a look at yours right now. Any more suggestions you have would be much appreciated.
#6
I thought there was a lot of great imagery and word choice. There were a lot of lines that were very well-written. Yet, there was no real driving force in this, no real message that I could decipher. In other words, I couldn't find the point of writing this or what you were exactly trying to express with this.

In my opinion, if you exerted as much effort into your message as you did into your imagery, then this would be one heck of a piece because the imagery is really good. There was to be a balance between the two though: a piece with all meaning and no literary devices is just as bad as one with all literary devices and no meaning. Just my opinion though.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I think there is a tense problem in some areas, so try to rework that. It does feel a little dry, a little forced. The purpose feels lost.... it's not about a specific place in time and there doesn't seem to be any real meaning or moral or consequence.... thus far, it just feels like words on a screen. If there's something I'm missing in terms of your angle with this piece please correct me.

Positive criticism: You clearly are taking a strong interest and putting forth the effort to make this visual and painting a picture with your words is a very great tool.... keep working at it and you'll get to where you want to be with your writing. I just think there needs to be a concrete idea in mind to make this piece stronger.

thanks for the crit
#8
Ya, I kind of just wrote it, not really thinking much about meaning because it just came out. I'm revising it when I think of things and i'm working in some new parts as well as a meaning. Thanks