#1
On the same patch grass twelve hours away.

in the hour when I left
were you sitting on your steps?
and when I pulled up
to your house, was your
collar wet? Here then, when I met you
in the night time of your city, stainly
we removed ourselves from our partnered
and clovely pity. I saw you, as you walked by,
through a thick smoke from a hookah you
walked by; And into my arms were the ones
I'd longed for so many times, and I looked at your
light eyes and I tied my tongue around my teeth
so not to say anything. So I left after three days,
and here I am standing on the same patch
of grass twelve hours away.

and I bet you know that dolphins and everyone else
are the only animal
that fucks for fun. So we're lazy, and we're
lonely because we fuck for fun.

I bet you didn't know that dolphins and everyone else
are the only animal
that kills for fun, so we're crazy, and we're mainly
animals because we kill for fun.

Lately late I see the cars by the window locked tight
drive through the speckled right lights of city dropped dead,
never risen from the grave again, and in the pitch black nerves
of spoken text blurbs I stave and I starve for the places that I mark,
like a cat never nuetured I'd sprayed the cities stomp with a sallow wetness.
My hands comb lice or dandruff in the morning, roommates snoring and I'm embittered
because I won't tell her to stop, or to lock her door so the cats won't get out
and shit on the floor.
Drive to work, drive to TJ Maxx, car starts acting up and the check engine starts
to flash. I want to crash this fuing thing into a tree, ignite a small forest fire and kill
thousands of honey bees. I want to destroy something great for no good reason, extinct the soy bean and starve off the Vegans, but that's just me.

but in that moment of abscent minded furiousity
of excess abnormal animosity.
I close--------------
my
dreary eyes.
I close--------------
my
sleepy eyes.
and in the darkness behind my eyelids,
you're the only light that I see.
and in the loneliness of my vanity you're
the only me that I need.

and when I open them you are gone.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Sep 13, 2009,
#2
From what I little I have observed of your writing, it's not so much about what I like and dislike as it is what I like more about it, and the lesser likes default to dislikes because there is nothing to really trip me up when reading through this piece. I have read it ten times and it has barely lost its original sheen. I love the tone. Absolutely love it. The dolphin stanzas remind me of some cynical rambling of the narrator in Fight Club.

You might wanna read over it and fix a couple typos in there, particularly the last line.


Thanks for posting this. There's no real criticism I can give out. If there are any flaws with this, they are waaay beyond my knowledge of writing.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I think some of the preteniousness and falseness is falling away from your writing and your starting to reveal a very vunerable, and very human side, a side that I saw in the writings of your stories, but always was hidden in your poetic work. This was touching and vulnerable and real and desperate and it acheived what needed to be acheived and proved what I found out in your stories, when you put your heart out there, you're one of the greatest writers I've had the pleasure to read.
#5
You're very far away from your interracial orgy days. This is a good thing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching