#1
The title sucks so don't comment on that; I'll change it later. Any help is appreciated because I think it needs much work. Thanks for the criticism

-

The hollow echo of my words
against your ears fascinates me.
The empty emotions I always feel
root themselves inside of your apathy
like time bombs I can't detonate

I'm always saying the wrong words
in the right order and vice cersa
but if you won't listen anyhow
I'll shut my mouth and never breathe again
cause that will be easier for you and me

My neurons ought to shoot themselves
in self defense.
My heart could beat better for you
if it was in someone else's chest.

I tried so hard
and then found love
is a virus that
eats your soul
inside out.

I'm not gonna speak again
or be the actor in your scenes;
they are so cliche and so unreal
Just like you've become and will always be
but I'll make myself ok with it.
#2
That's great. Wow
Quote by Meths
I respect and value your opinion.

Just kidding. You're a fucking retard.



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You want to strap a bunch of used mattresses to the walls?

Why not just roll around naked in medical waste while you're at it?

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medical waste isn't free on craigslist
#3
Quote by hippieboy444


-

The hollow echo of my words
against your ears fascinates me. - I stumbled over this. I don't think of echoes echoing against something, more like inside.
The empty emotions I always feel
root themselves inside of your apathy - I like the rhyme. Kind of subtle, but not overly so.
like time bombs I can't detonate - Meh. Whatever.

I'm always saying the wrong words
in the right order and vice cersa - Versa?
but if you won't listen anyhow - I don't like how much you refer to the person you are talking to like this. It's a weird thing I have where I don't like so many "you"s in pieces like this.
I'll shut my mouth and never breathe again - Again, kinda meh.
cause that will be easier for you and me - Double meh. Clever and quirky, but that's it. That's all. Nothing amazing.

My neurons ought to shoot themselves
in self defense.
My heart could beat better for you
if it was in someone else's chest. - This is the best line in the piece where you are trying too hard to be clever, and I have a feeling you weren't trying as hard as you were in those other lines. Don't force the cleverness, and it will be there.

I tried so hard
and then found love
is a virus that
eats your soul
inside out.

I don't like the sudden change in pace. You go from moderately average sized lines to this short, choppy stanza and then go straight back to the other way.


I'm not gonna speak again - You already insinuated that when you said you were gonna shut your mouth earlier. No reason to repeat yourself; your readers aren't idiots with short term memory loss.
or be the actor in your scenes;
they are so cliche and so unreal
Just like you've become and will always be
but I'll make myself ok with it. - I would prefer okay instead of ok. This whole stanza is iffy.


It could have been much, much better than it was. Enjoyable on the surface, but doesn't hold up to several reads. If you want, there's a piece in my sig you could take a look at.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black