#1
C4C ( leave link )


I fall asleep, for feeling
that my ability to fake
is not the same it was
in past war days
portrayed in your broken eyes,
as if erased from the reality
I yearn to pour.

To wish is scanty,
for my emotional well-being
is minimal to my concern.
And all this play
of senseless magniloquence
reflects my lost state
between you, the truth
and completeness.
#2
A few line breaks I didn't agree with, most notably the first line. The short lines did, however, give it a nice feel and rhythm most of the time. I also like the word magniloquence. I like when I'm reading something and I have to pause for half a second to remember or figure out what a word means. Good use of vocabulary there. I would have liked if it was longer, the idea more elaborate. Enjoyable despite the minor flaws. If you want, there's a link in my sig.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C ( leave link )


I fall asleep, for feeling
that my ability to fake
is not the same it was
in past war days
portrayed in your broken eyes,
as if erased from the reality
I yearn to pour.
Because of the lack of punctuation, this sentence is difficult to read. Either make shorter sentences, longer lines, or add more punctuation. And how do you pour reality? Isn't it really, really thick?

To wish is scanty,
for my emotional well-being
is minimal to my concern.
And all this play
of senseless magniloquence
I laughed at this part. Really, I did.
reflects my lost state
between you, the truth
and completeness.


I didn't especially like this piece. It was short, which isn't a bad thing or a good thing. But here it was a good thing. All I understand from the first stanza is that you fell asleep because you knew you couldn't feign sleep anymore. How do you know? Because you can see it in his/her/its eyes. I don't know how that works, and I don't know wtf that whole pouring reality **** is about.
And what I understand from the second stanza is that wishing is unimportant because you don't care about your emotions. And all these big words somehow reflect the disconnect between you, her/him/it, happiness, and the truth. I don't know why, and I don't even understand it.

This piece was horribly vague. Sorry. Your other pieces are good, but I didn't like this one.



Links in sig. Pick one. Preferably one you haven't done already...
#4
I get what you mean, this was this kind of experimental writing I gave a try to. I could explain it but it would take some time and I'm not in that mood today (I'm a mood swinger). Also, I can't add punctuation to the first stanza, it would stop making sense as I see it, but if anyone can see a way I'd sure appreciate it.

Thanks for the comments ^^
#5
'Past war days' isn't descriptive enough, I don't think, and in 'for my emotional well-being
is minimal to my concern', the 'for' is too passive to be at the start of the line, as that forces it into being for as in 'for somebody'.

This is nice, it lollops a bit into being too vague, but it's nice.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 21, 2009,
#6
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C ( leave link )


I fall asleep, for feeling
that my ability to fake
is not the same it was
in past war days
portrayed in your broken eyes,
as if erased from the reality
I yearn to pour.
I feel as if this stanza has a LOT of potential if you make things a bit more precise and descriptive. Everything seems sort of like you're beating around the bush, almost like you know what you want to say but don't know how to exactly. The vagueness is my only complaint.

To wish is scanty,
for my emotional well-being
is minimal to my concern.
And all this play
of senseless magniloquence
reflects my lost state
between you, the truth
and completeness.
The last three lines are what I feel saves this stanza. I didn't like it. It seems like you took your idea for this piece and just decided to flare it up with a few big words, but I do really enjoy the last three lines for what it's worth. They could really salvage this piece if you do a bit of work on the rest


I feel like I know what you're getting at with the piece but echoing statements from the other critiques it was too vague to really get to the point of what you were trying to get across.

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1167055
#7
my personal opinion? excellent poetry, terrible song. my number one reason for saying this is just the word "magniloquence." it may be the greatest song ever, but good luck finding a large group of people who can relate to it the whole way through