#1
Currently in progress
right now it has a verse and chorus only....

suggestions are very appreciated

C4C of course


EDIT:
intro added
keyboard and guitar solo added

EDIT2:
minor changes to the intro
solo guitar extended
Transition after the chorus slightly changed
ending fixed, still not sure about it

EDIT3:
Drums modified
Vocals melody added
Solos modified (Removed the harmonic minor feel, should i keep it? )

EDIT4:
Bridge added

EDIT5:
Lead added on the bridge

EDIT6:
bridge edited

still working on background variation for the second verse, any ideas?
Attachments:
sabet113.gp4
sabet113.gp5
sabet113.mid
Last edited by tiammetadeth at Oct 6, 2009,
#2
First off, I'd like to say I genuinely enjoyed the piece thus far. Great job!

There's definitely a prominent groove throughout this piece, a fine trait for any composition to have. The theme remains consistent throughout, also, so fantastic job with that.

I'd like to add that despite the bass remaining simple harmonically, rhythmically - along with its placement in the mix - it definitely accented and supported the other instruments tremendously. It was certainly welcoming to hear a prominent bass part, rather than a tool to ''fill out'' the low end, and in such a manner that it genuinely aided, if you will, the rest of the ensemble.

Guitar wise, the melodies and note choice is great. Usually I dislike the addition of distortion to mark a chorus, but the manner in which you did so was great - the flow was persistent, and your note choice didn't fall apart because of the distortion (considering many people stick to simple 5th chords in these instances). And because of this, the piece remained at the same level of quality - great work!

The addition of strings is a nice touch, and definitely adds to the atmosphere, but might I suggest tweaking them slightly for the second verse? (Whether it's some notes, volume, expression - swells/oscillations .etc.).
Another thing you can include to maintain interest is including some other instruments lower in the mix (a music box, keys, for example) to add to the atmospheric tone, which really can maintain interest in a listener solely by the slight contrast. By all means, these are just suggestions! =]

Overall, the piece is solid as is. Do you have any plans for where you'd like to direct it? Personally, I can see some modulation or a key change occurring where you left off - not really a key change of the verse or chorus parts, but leading into or as a new one entirely. Again, just a thought. =]

Great work so far - I'll be coming back for updates when they're here.



Alex
Last edited by juckfush at Sep 14, 2009,
#3
10x for crit man
im currently working on your suggestions, i think u r absolutly right
uptade Available...
Last edited by tiammetadeth at Sep 16, 2009,
#4
10x = tenx = thanks? Nice.

But onto the updates - Very nicely done!
I love that the triads in the intro - those performed by the strings - gradually rise in register. The effect is definitely significant, and leads into the verse section very well. Also, the jazz guitar definitely bears the theme of the verse, despite the harmonic minor tonality - it's always beneficial to have a theme and modify it, and the natural minor tonality you led in to (the verse) is definitely better suited to a verse than the harmonic variation. It's those little nuisances that make a difference.
Very importantly, you maintained a theme and atmosphere, despite utilizing key signature changes and the likes - which ideally served as tools of interest.

Your phrasing is great, by the way, and not much can be said about modifications to what currently is in place - but of course, some tweaking and minor adjustments can be good; though I am a fan of the keyboard lead.
I really do hate saying things like this, because I really dislike the idea of putting someone down or harshly criticizing, but I think the guitar lead could be tweaked a bit more. At the moment, the majority of it is great, though the final bar in itself seems quite linear (though I know you probably only spent a short while on it, considering you only posted the original piece recently). It's small nuisances, such as legato techniques for tone purposes, small flurries such as passing slides, and so on, that really can spice up a lead, and direct a sense of its being - rather than the sense of it simply ''being there''. I'm by no means advocating a blitzing shred passage, however, but just some altered phrasing and different note groupings, perhaps. =]

All in all, this is a great composition - it has an atmosphere and genuine soundscape, there's a theme, variations in many senses, and there is a definite flow. If there are any more updates to come, I'll definitely be coming back to check them out.

Keep up the great work

Alex
#5
Awesome. I love the clean intro. Fantastic. The chorus is also good. Nice combination of lead lines and chords. Although the second time it goes through, there should be some variation. They keyboard lead is my favorite part of this. The only bad thing I have to say about this is that the ending is just not good. It's too sudden and feels like you just forgot to write any more.
Check out my band Disturbed
#7
I'd get rid of the cymbals in the intro and the bass drum in the first progression. You don't have to write the names that way though. Verse was really nice. Chorus was nice, reminded me a bit of Megadeth. Keyboard+Guitar Lead were awesome. Really like the Arab touch. The ending was well done, unlike most endings I've seen in unfinished songs, not stretched out. Don't know if you should take it on or not from here, could be nice to have a clean bridge, but that could be in the next song. 9/10. Really good.
C4C? Mine are in my sig.
#9
That was pretty cool. There's nothing to fault here, really.

I particularly liked the intro.
And the strings added a nice element to it.

EDIT: sorry it's not much of a crit, but there's really not much to say.

It's good how it is.
Last edited by Butt Rayge at Sep 24, 2009,
#11
The name tells it. And after the suggestions you have made it almost perfect. What I would have hoped is somewhat a heavier approach to it in some parts. ****ing great piece man.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21748254
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#12
version updated, i added a bridge....
i really need some crits for it...not quite sure about it...
#13
pretty cool man. not really my thing but the why you composed it was pretty brillant!
"We carry death out of the village!"
#14
thank you alll for the crit!
I added some lead guitar on the bridge...
i really need some opinions on it, and id appreciate some opinions on vocal melody aslo...
Cheers
#15
Hey champ! Sorry for my absence, I've been caught up with yearly exams!

I'd really like to point out again how much I love the atmosphere at the beginning - great progressions, great structure, and all in a all a very well thought out passage.

In terms of the vocal melodies, they certainly do their part, and the harmonic lines themselves serve their function well, particularly in the chorus. My only pickle is that in the verse, maybe some notes' dynamics could be changed slightly? Particularly the high G (12th fret G string, bar 21) could be reduced in dynamics slightly. I'd just imagine a slightly airy quality with that note, and that dynamic could make the higher register chorus melody lines stand out a bit more.
And of course, small nuisances such as vibrato, and gradual shifts to notes (the equivalent of a bend on guitar) could make certain words or phrases have a greater impact - if that's what you choose to go for, of course!

Secondly, the bridge section! I feel it's a little abrupt. Once it goes on for a while, it falls into place very well, and serves as a great transition into the second chorus (particularly with the leads, which are great again, by the way), but I find the initial transition into this bridge section could be enhanced a bit - it just seems to be very anti-climatic and disrupts the flow, so to speak. What I may suggest, is where you fade out, trying fading back in with the instruments to lead into the bridge a bit better (so the guitar's chords would be held, fade, then swell back up before the jazz guitar has its part - I hope that makes sense ). But, keep in the mind that the section itself works well, but it is just that one transition, in my opinion, which can really make this song even better.

Finally, I have to commend you for keeping the solo section. When I first came back here a little while back, when you extended the lead (and sorry for not posting then!), I was a little taken back. But in the context of the rest of the piece, and in use with the rest of the composition's dynamics and shifts, it worked incredibly well! And I adore the keyboard lead, by the way

The piece ends great, too, so great job.

All in all, this is a great piece, but small nuisances in the vocal passages may improve it (but then again, they may ruin it, so please only take this as a suggestion!), and the transition into the bridge can be patched up a bit, IMO.

If you wouldn't mind, I've uploaded one of my pieces after months of writer's block. I'd love if you could check it out and give me some feedback (and please a little more than the first guy ). Here's the link:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1209392

Keep up the great work, and be sure to PM me when you have any updates or new pieces up.

Alex
Last edited by juckfush at Oct 1, 2009,
#16
GOD you are the best Critist in here!!!
U r 100% about the transition to the bridge! (deep inside i knew it, i just needed someone to say it )
and u r 100% about the vocal melody....(i dont like it that much, all of it, not only the part you mentionned, but i think ill leave it like that, until i write the lyrics)

i will be more than glad to crit your piece!!