#1
I wrote this pretty quick so... it's not quite what I want it to be. Hopefully I will be able to actually put some music to this someday. C4C.

Selfish Sacrifice

I've hung all your pictures on my wall,
even the ones you say are awful,
they somehow seem the best of all,
perhaps because you don't need makeup on.

I'll tell you anything you want,
I'll give you everything you ask,
Just tell me what is going on
and where your smile's gone.

I've saved your letters from the start,
tucked away inside a desk drawer,
I read them when you aren't around
to see the teardrops fall.

I'll tell you anything you want,
I'll give you everything you ask.
Just tell me what is going on
and where your smile's gone.

It's been a while since we spoke,
if you could even call it that.
I'm worried that you might have woken up
Without wondering where I'm at.

I'll tell you anything you want,
I'll give you everything you ask.
And in your usual, beautiful way, you said
“I shouldn't have to ask you at all.”
#3
Quote by theoneandonlyq
I wrote this pretty quick so... it's not quite what I want it to be. Hopefully I will be able to actually put some music to this someday. C4C.

Selfish Sacrifice

I've hung all your pictures on my wall,
even the ones you say are awful,
they somehow seem the best of all,
perhaps because you don't need makeup on.
I think the last line is a tiny bit too long. Maybe if you took out the "on" it'd be better.

I'll tell you anything you want,
I'll give you everything you ask,
Just tell me what is going on
and where your smile's gone.
Last line's too short. Maybe say "where oh where..." although it's a bit yecchy. Maybe "just where" or "where the hell". I don't have too many suggestions for this.

I've saved your letters from the start,
tucked away inside a desk drawer,
I read them when you aren't around
to see the teardrops fall.
Last line has flow problems again. I think it'd be better if the last two lines were "I read the when you're not around/just to see the teardrops fall".

I'll tell you anything you want,
I'll give you everything you ask.
Just tell me what is going on
and where your smile's gone.

It's been a while since we spoke,
if you could even call it that.
I'm worried that you might have woken up
Without wondering where I'm at.
I don't like the "that/at" rhyme so much. Seems a bit forced because not many people speak that way....

I'll tell you anything you want,
I'll give you everything you ask.
And in your usual, beautiful way, you said
“I shouldn't have to ask you at all.”


Last line had flow problems too. I'd say just add an "even" before the "have".

I was excited because I saw you posted again. I was disappointed (it's no Doppelganger Rose ), but the piece was good. It was fine. And maybe the flow problems exist for me because I can't hear how this will be sung. So I could be wrong.

Still a good piece
#5
You've easily capable of more,
the rhymes were sticky, plenty of cliché teenage lovesong lines, and some off rhythm

The two lines I did like were

I'm worried that you might have woken up
Without wondering where I'm at.

Those were nice,
but all things considered,
this still needs some work
#6
I was sorta hearing Barenaked Ladies in my head when writing it, which has a pretty juvenile sound in and of itself... I guess that's why it turned out that way. I kind of like writing a juvenile piece once in a while I promise I won't make a habit of it.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Sep 15, 2009,
#7
Great. Just really great. I personally loved everything in this. The rhymes in the first verse were so sardonic and twisted. It perfectly maligned your feelings of loss.