#1
I once knew a girl who was in so much pain
She listened to gossip and let darkness reign
When offered a hand, she turned it away
Nary an emotion she wished to display

The words were like needles pressed to the skin
Talk of beauty, its lack of, and mentions of sin
The words gave them strength, they fed off her torment
While the girl sat and cried, leaving lost feelings dormant

But that girl that I know is better than that
She's not ugly, not forsaken, not homely, not fat
So I offer my strength, my cunning, my duty
And hope that she remains my fun-loving beauty


Feel like I have to explain this:

Today in first block Biology, I got caught up in something I didn't want to get caught up in. Over the weekend, one of my best friends had been getting harassed by two people in our grade [Names will not be mentioned]. They decided that they'd carry their antics into the classroom. They sit relatively close to me and my friend, who sits right beside me at the same table. So diagonally behind me, I heard the two gossiping away like they belonged in middle school. Insults like pizza-face, big nose, who re [she's had sex with one guy], immature . Beside me, Rachel [Ok, you can have her name =)] was crying her eyes out as softly as she could. I spent most block paying absolutely no attention to my teacher go on and on about microscopes and what not, and tried to comfort her as best as I could with jokes and the such. She smiled, laughed, and was feeling better. One of the first things I did was write this for her, which took me about 5 minutes so if it seems sloppy at all, that would be why. I allowed her to title it and I'm sticking to it, heart and all.
Quote by National_Anthem
Quote by Weeping_Demon7

Worst-Atheists (because 90% of them are arrogant bastards)
Best- Music


90% of people are arrogant bastards, regardless of religion.
Last edited by Jabman at Sep 14, 2009,
#2
Quote by NY_FootBall49
The second line in that part is kinda meh i think you could do alot better. Try something more creative your like she's not fat or ugly you know get a little more poetic. Idk I'm at a loss right now I'll think of something l8r what genre btw.

Thought it was easily implied, but I should have put that it was poetry beforehand.
Quote by National_Anthem
Quote by Weeping_Demon7

Worst-Atheists (because 90% of them are arrogant bastards)
Best- Music


90% of people are arrogant bastards, regardless of religion.
#3
I once knew a girl who was in so much pain This seemed like kind of a meh way to begin, not really standing out or drawing me in. I dunno, it might just be "I once knew a ______
She listened to gossip and let darkness reign
When offered a hand, she turned it away
Nary an emotion she wished to display I think nary kinda threw a wrench in the flow of this line. However, since I can't think of any way to change it without having to change what you're saying, I think it's alright

The words were like needles pressed to the skin
Talk of beauty, its lack of, and mentions of sin I liked this line, but perhaps using "its absence" instead of "its lack of" would read better? I don't really know why I don't like "its lack of", but it seems kinda... clunky or something
The words gave them strength, they fed off her torment
While the girl sat and cried, leaving lost feelings dormant

But that girl that I know is better than that
She's not ugly, not forsaken, not homely, not fat I feel like the "not forsaken" has one too many syllables, it breaks up the feel of this line. Outside of just leaving out the "not", I don't know how you could change it. Perhaps use a synonym of forsaken? Your call
So I offer my strength, my cunning, my duty
And hope that she remains my fun-loving beauty I liked these last too lines. They just seemed... bouncy.


If I had read this without your explanation, I probably wouldn't have liked it as much and wouldn't have understood it as well, since you were more focused on her rather than the situation (which is perfectly fine). However, having read your explanation, I liked this a lot. It wasn't something that really grabbed ahold of me, but it had a certain sympathy to it that made up for the lack of strong imagery. So all that said, I liked it, and I applaud your efforts to cheer up a soul in need. And you should stab those girls with a pencil... >.>
Crit for crit? Selfish Sacrifice in my sig?
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Sep 14, 2009,
#4
I'll give you a short crit, 'cos I'm like that (read: has a lot of work he doesn't want to do but also wants to make it look like he's making a conscious effort. This parentheses was too long.).

1. Don't use "once upon a time" or "I once knew" unless you're writing a fairy tale or making a really sardonic and bitter piece. This is neither.
2. "Its lack of" is incorrect. "The lack of" would be better or "or lack thereof" would work the best if you want to use the word "lack". But "absence" would be better.
3. I think the last line where you said "fun loving" isn't really sending the right message. I think a form of "happy" would work better, because that's a more direct contrast to her previous depression.