#1
This is a work in progress and I'm pretty new to serious writing so comments would be appreciated.


time is wasting, all the seats are filling

the show must go on but whats a love story with out a villan

watching from the balcony safe and secluded

as the scene becomes more complex and convoluted


take your time

slow your breath

and watch as the world passes you by

this is how your life looks in the third person

is it anything like you imagined

or do you just see the things you wish never happened


the stage darkens and the fog rolls in

all the familar shapes are replaced by an even more familiar feeling

girp your seat tight and hope you're out of sight

then your sympathetic neverous system awakens

with the question of fight or flight


take your time

slow your breath

and watch as the world passes you by

this is how your life looks in the third person

is it anything like you imagined

or do you just see the things you wish never happened


the conclusion draws near and with it comes the fear

is this how things have to be

when all you can see is what could have been

then the curtain draws in

but will it cover up all the sin
#2
First off, unless there is some stylistic reason that I'm missing, try not to double space your post, it's just kind of annoying.

As for the piece itself it was a relatively interesting idea, but it didn't really grab me. There were times when it was good, what with the play imagery and such, but there were other times where it was very abstract. There's nothing at all wrong with abstract writing, but here it was sort of weak because it lacked punch, so my reaction was to the parts that were essentially meant to be the most emotional was merely "Ok..."

There were some parts in here that were easy to latch onto and that were quite good ("What's a love story without a villain" especially), but other parts were somewhat bland and generic, and so were difficult to really get into. Perhaps if you really dug into a bit more of this "play" itself, this piece would really come alive. What you've got here is ok, but I feel like it needs to be jolted to life to really stand out. The idea and the framework is here though.

And of course, the best advice I can offer is this: keep writing. Always, no matter how discouraged you may be with your writing or what people say about it, keep writing. Because 1) some people will just hate on your writing and there's nothing to do about them, 2) if you don't, you won't get better, and 3) you never know when you might surprise yourself with a personal masterpiece. Even if all you've got is a line or two, write it down. Keep up the good work.

C4C? Crit Selfish Sacrifice in my sig?
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Sep 15, 2009,
#6
good ideas. i'm a people watcher myself so i can kind of identify with this.
i'm guessing its a poem, or free verse, no apparent rhymes, i think that suits it really well.
watch to make sure you don't have any cliches, that could really ruin this