#1
bloodblister

I pulled back the curtains to another inner frontier,
to look into the city from above and see how close it is
to the catacomb canyons where shipwrecked trees clog creeks incuriously,
splintering out of mountain arteries,
with the thoughts from the
civil war and the dead on both sides
spinning still in a valley seam in the shade of seasons
that come alive more than die-

alive like that woman's eyes in the hospital singing her song right beside you.
praying makeshift last rights to her newborn baby and seeing the doubt in its eyes.
her daughter knowing from birth that life in this universe is more than finding your own great divide
and climbing down into the depths your mother tried to put you in
to shelter you from sin and people who weren't like you.

believing in the beauty in dirt like when I look down upon our old city
reminds me of you and your blissful way of saying that the good things are hiding
where ghosts of confederate soldiers remember their lost daughters.
oh they don't even know how the divide amongst people is still alive
in a bloodblister full of the things we hid like how I love the way smiled whenever you breathed in.
and with these thoughts on that night, with city headlights pulsing by my window,
i searched the table for your prints
the bathroom for your hair, just trying to make believe you were still there
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
bloodblister

I pulled back the curtains to another inner frontier,
i think it would work to have interior ^here^

rather long but it makes a good point. keep it up!
#3
this was tasty. you lost me for a bit with the second stanza there, sweet sentiments and all, just didn't really hit me, but by the time the closing lines rolled around i was in love again. excellent stuff.
#4
Quote by jiminizzle
bloodblister

I pulled back the curtains to another inner frontier,
i think it would work to have interior ^here^

rather long but it makes a good point. keep it up!


thanks for reading, bud.


nick, I appreciate the thoughts man. The middle was a little forced cause I wrote it for an assignment and had to pound this out at 3 or 4am and force a couple more required words and ideas in-- so I could still hopefully clean it up? I'll think about it at least. Glad you like it, man. This came while listening to the antlers cd hospice which i recommend. The word hospital just kept pounding itself in my head so maybe that's the origin of that direction. Any or all ways, thanks for reading.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
Quote by guitaruboy


thanks for reading, bud.


nick, I appreciate the thoughts man. The middle was a little forced cause I wrote it for an assignment and had to pound this out at 3 or 4am and force a couple more required words and ideas in-- so I could still hopefully clean it up? I'll think about it at least. Glad you like it, man. This came while listening to the antlers cd hospice which i recommend. The word hospital just kept pounding itself in my head so maybe that's the origin of that direction. Any or all ways, thanks for reading.


I'd hate to be your teacher, having to give the rest of the class an F.
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?

#6
arg, the browser erased the original crit I typed up.

Quote by jiminizzle
bloodblister

I pulled back the curtains to another inner frontier,
to look into the city from above and see how close it is
to the catacomb canyons where shipwrecked trees clog creeks incuriously,
splintering out of mountain arteries,
with the thoughts from the
civil war and the dead on both sides
spinning still in a valley seam in the shade of seasons
that come alive more than die-

I felt the descriptions too unecessarily flowery and adjective-rich. I don't see how they relate to the story, except for the dead soldier and city allusions.

alive like that woman's eyes in the hospital singing her song right beside you.
praying makeshift last rights to her newborn baby and seeing the doubt in its eyes.
her daughter knowing from birth that life in this universe is more than finding your own great divide
and climbing down into the depths your mother tried to put you in
to shelter you from sin and people who weren't like you.

^These lines feel a tad too long. Try breaking them up into lines or making the sentences shorter.

believing in the beauty in dirt like when I look down upon our old city
reminds me of you and your blissful way of saying that the good things are hiding
where ghosts of confederate soldiers remember their lost daughters.
oh they don't even know how the divide amongst people is still alive
in a bloodblister full of the things we hid like how I love the way smiled whenever you breathed in.
and with these thoughts on that night, with city headlights pulsing by my window,
i searched the table for your prints
the bathroom for your hair, just trying to make believe you were still there


These two lines almost salvages the poem upwards. I like them. They're tangible, and they feel conclusive.



p.s. I'm interested in what this is about. Maybe the fact that I didn't get it's message made me misunderstand it. My main beef is that reading this, I had no sense of what is happening, or who is the protagonist in this. But I may just be reading it wrong.


thanks for the crit on mine.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian