#1
I have a cold. You'll get a yoghurt-based piece some other time. Now, we move into Greece.

Educational note: Kritsa, Ossa is known to be Greece’s only ‘cloud forest’, where the clouds hang low enough and the mountain is high enough that the trees get water from them directly. Greece now is cloudier than 20 years ago, but this is still the case.




Kritsa, Ossa


The green hangs heavily, draped over trunks of forest trees.
Deep roots gather water dripping from their leaves.
A single sunbeam shrouds the tops with golden brown;
a stream of yellow separating condensation from the clouds.
And the clouds hang heavily over the layer of green
covering the mountains which tower from the sea.
This mist creates a barrier of white between the sea and sky
as though the Gods are on their holidays up in the mountain’s heights.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 18, 2009,
#2
This is pretty. The rhymes were good. Drop the "and" in "and the mist" etc. I think it flows better and you don't start a sentence with "and" twice. Also, the fourth line doesn't really flow like the rest of the piece, but the image is great, I don't know if that can be fixed.
#3
I love the way this transports itself into more mountainous territory. That's the highlight for me... really, really shows you weren't actually in Birmingham on holiday (sorry Michal) instead of half-way across Europe.
#4
Honestly, you're the only writer of the new wave that I have seen an absurd amount of improvement from.

Yeah, I like this. Obviously.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
^^, ^ hehe, thank you (and just for note, Dan, Michal was in Poland, Hungary and Austria over the summer).

seventh_angel: I've changed the 'and the' to 'this' instead as I feel it keeps the movement going better than just 'the'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
i don't think it's possible to mention the Gods and not be a bit overdramatic and trite, we are no longer in the 16th century.

anyway, i like the structure of this, your vowel rhymes ending each sentence, but i don't like what you did with the rhythm. you made it so even, so boring that i could never develop any feeling in this piece, any conveyance of the beauty of this moment couldn't be brought to the reader because of how dull the rhythm of "green hangs ____. sunlight shrouds ____. mist creates ______." my heart isn't beating any faster, my skin isn't getting goosebumps, no matter how great the words are (they are quite good in fact), it feels as if nothings happened at all.

sounds like a great image. can you give a proper opinion on my latest? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1199918