#1
i stop gazing at the moon,
and see dances in the concrete.
deep in a utopia,
i draw my last breath to look at the stars on your face,
to take my heart and place it in a
lightly woven silked sheet.
for it to caress the delicate wings of a bird
ascending to the highest peak.

upon this i may dive into the sun's ray
where your silhouette sits against stone.
in the mountain i hide you away.
Last edited by el topo at Sep 15, 2009,
#2
i stop gazing at the moon,
and see dances in the concrete.
I really respect how these two lines clash and contrast each other; from the way "gazing" seems so still and calming, while "dances" then feels more bustling, obviously. Followed by "moon" and "concrete", offering another oppositional perspective.
deep in a utopia,
I'm struggling to see why we're in a "utopia" here, seeing as we're constricted in something as solid as "concrete", particularly as we're supposed to be "dancing". If I've missed something, apologies.

i draw my last breath to look at the stars on your face,
Once again, this is lovely and calming. But morose and touching, as well.

to take my heart and place it in a
lightly woven silked sheet.
Is silked a word? I don't really care if it isn't, as it flows so lushesly, but maybe you meant silken?
for it to caress the delicate wings of a bird
ascending to the highest peak.
I thought "ascending" was too 'floaty' and poetic. It needed something more unique and intense, imho.

upon this i may dive into the sun's ray
where your silhouette sits against stone.
in the mountain i hide you away.
Woah, this seems to be mind-fucking me. I really appreciate it's depth and gorgeousness, but it will take me another while before I fully grasp what is going on. To be honest, I'm not the most 'up' on what signifies what in life and poetry.

This was a beautiful read. Really, really lovely.
#4
i stumbled over utopia as well. I think you mean 'euphoria' maybe. That makes more sense. I like the first two lines because its not cliche, its a change of perspective. Everyone's like oh you should be looking at the sky, but you're like, no the ground can be interesting too. I like that a lot. I don't like the rest of it though, until the last line. I thought it was boring
what comes up comes out
#5
loved it!

"i draw my last breath to look at the stars on your face" won me over