Hey, im puttin together a song for a side project I'm doin that's a hardcore band an I need some critiquing. This is just a verse and the words in parenthesis are for the screamer. Thanks!

Verse 1
as these fingers dig through the dirt
(my breth is fading fast)
fingernails claw at the celiling
(of this..wooden casket)
can you hear me me screaming?
are you trying to reach me?
(or are you just killing time?)
never again
will i say,
(that you'll always be mine)