#1
I wash my hands til the water runs clear
But I can’t wash away the memory
Permanently ingrained
Undeniable
Tattooed upon my psyche
I run and hide and try to escape
But i can’t erase what I’v done
An ugly scar
Stained
A reminder of what I’v done
No amount of whiskey can drown the memory
It remains like a stone in my shoe
Following
Haunting
Aching like a bruise
A bruise I left on your heart
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#2
I like the idea of this, but that's about about all I like about it. You could have executed this much better. I hate, hate those one word lines. The words have nothing to do with the lines surrounding them. I could see where you were coming from with"stained", but I don't really think of a scar as a stain. A stone in your shoe doesn't follow and haunt you. The imagery of that line as well is a bit ordinary. I don't really think of a stone caught in my shoe as something that is painful, rather more of a minor annoyance. The use of "upon" is out of place considering the general diction of the rest of the piece. Also, if it's a bruise on her(I assume her) heart, how is it bothering you so much? In the last line, I would change "A" to "the".

Also, proper grammar can help a piece like you wouldn't believe. This would be sooooo much better if you had the correct punctuation and capitalization.

So if you fix the grammar and take out those words, this is what you get:


Quote by Eggmond
I wash my hands til the water runs clear,
but I can’t wash away the memory
permanently ingrained,
tattooed upon my psyche.
I run and hide and try to escape,
but I can’t erase what I’ve done.
An ugly scar,
a reminder of what I’ve done.
No amount of whiskey can drown the memory.
It remains like a stone in my shoe,
aching like a bruise.
A bruise I left on your heart


This, in my opinion, is much better. Now, you would have to do something as well about the repetition of "what I've done" and the fact that some of the lines don't make sense, particularly "An ugly scar, a reminder. . .".

It could use alot of work. But once you fix it up, this will be a nice piece.


If you could crit the piece in my sig, that would be awesome.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black