#1
crit4crit

SLIPPING THROUGH THE HAND OF GOD

I tried to recycle
All of those broken shards
That once bottled up
The feelings in my heart

And make a stained-glass
Window to her world
So everyone else could see
How I look at that girl

She says it’s not love, but a
Holy Ghost that I feel
And that I’ve lost it, if I
Want to build her cathedrals

Well, I haven’t lost my faith
I’ve only lost my wealth
Spending it on a Heaven
That only gives me Hell

When the world calls you worthless, it’s only jealous
That you are worth more than every thing in it

Though you were thrown out of Eden
I would keep you forever
Because one man’s trash-talker
Is another man’s treasure

I hold onto her lies
Like they’re the Word of God
But when I tell the truth
She tells me that I’m wrong

So I flip through the Bible
Looking for the right words
To make her worship me
Like I worship her

She says it’s all in vain
Guess that means it’s in my blood
To always treat her good
But never good enough

Some say I’m blinded by love
Some call me a masochist
But when you are her Christ
There is no difference

When the world calls you worthless, it’s only jealous
That you are worth more than every thing in it

Though you were thrown out of Eden
I would keep you forever
Because one man’s trash-talker
Is another man’s treasure

I’ve got a godly plan
Heaven knows it can’t fail
It involves lots of prayer
And chasing my tail

I’m running ‘round in circles
Waiting for you to catch up
Grab a hold of me
And knock me out with love

Don’t let me slip away
Don’t let me slip away
Don’t let me slip away
Don’t let me slip away
Last edited by themarsvolta at Oct 21, 2009,
#4
Holy crap, you're amazing at rhyming!!!

There’s no difference


I would take out the contraction here, because I feel the extra syllable would help the flow.

Wow, this piece was amazing.*Really.
#6
This didn't really grab me, tbh. Yeah, it had a steady supply of strong lines that entertwined around each other cleverly - particularly the opening four stanzas - but it lacked a voicing or character. It was almost too predictable, so much so that I became bored half-way through.
I've always absolutely adored your writing, and denying the genuine genius behind some of your lyrics - even here - would be foolish. But overall, as a picture, it failed to hit me in the right way.
It kinda seems like you're writing from the hip. You know full well how to create workable themes and interpret metaphoric landscapes, but it feels like you're losing the joy of that discovery and talent. It's almost cocky.

Yes, I know this is awesome...

-"Well, I haven’t lost my faith
I’ve only lost my wealth
Spending it on a Heaven
That only gives me Hell"


... I just don't really care. You never really built up the reader to a point where he could actually care for the wizardry this clearly has. The floor seemed hollow. And at no point did I feel disconcerted or concerned for my eyes/ears/mind. I knew what was coming and I knew it wouldn't really affect me that much.

That said, this caught me.

-"When the world calls you worthless, it’s only jealous
That you are worth more than every thing in it"


As did this.

-"So I flip through the Bible
Looking for the right words
To make her worship me
Like I worship her"
#8
Deep, very long. Good luck if your going to put that into a song. Your gonna have to write a 12 minute song. I liked most of it though.
2nd Bass