#1
So this is the first song I ever wrote in english and i wanted your opinion about it

I know it looks pretty corny and gay, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be : /

Any suggestions about grammar are also apreciated


And I wonder if your clothes ever miss my bedroom floor
I wonder if I’m the only one who wound up wanting more
I wonder how would you do it, just in case you could go back
I wonder who am I supposed to talk to when my life starts to crack

I wonder if you’d love me, if things hadn’t gone to ****
I wonder if you’d kiss me if I told you to do it
I wonder if you cried ‘cause I know I wanted to
I wonder if ending it was the right thing to do

And I just wanna know, I wanna know without a doubt
Would you leave him if I got close to your mouth
And I just wanna know, I wanna know without a doubt
Did you felt like ending it or was the whole thing my fault

And I wonder if you’d be happier if we were still together
I wonder if you think about it, but now it doesn’t matter
I wonder if we’re trough and this will be just another story
I wonder if I’ll ever have the guts to tell you I’m sorry

And I wonder what you’ll think if you listen to this song
I wonder if you’ll hate it or just love it and sing along
I wonder if I'll keep missing the feel of your breath
But mostly I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing you to death.


thx in advance

Edit: changed the line "I wonder if you'll dance all crazy like your on crystal meth" for "I wonder if I'll keep missing the feel of your breath"
Last edited by EddyPT at Sep 18, 2009,
#2
absolutly no critique. i think its amazing. throw a good piano part behind it. do you know damien rice? it gives me the sorta feeling as the song 'accidental babies' you should listen to it, maybe you'll get an idea or two, i know i have.
c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21641247#post21641247
"I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to."~Jimi Hendrix...
#3
I found this piece very beautiful and easy to relate to (especially if anyone has been in a special relationship that ended) the whole time I read this I was thinking about my Ex. Although I have no desire to get back with her, this was an awesome lyric that makes me glad I'm long beyond that time frame.

Anyway as far as crit goes:


And I wonder if your clothes ever miss my bedroom floor
I wonder if I’m the only one who wound up wanting more
I wonder how would you do it, just in case you could go back
I wonder who am I supposed to talk to when my life starts to crack


wonderful opening line. very creative and the use of "i wonder" frequently throughout the song gives it character.


I wonder if you’d love me, if things hadn’t gone to ****
I wonder if you’d kiss me if I told you to do it
I wonder if you cried ‘cause I know I wanted to
I wonder if ending it was the right thing to do


I've felt the same way about each and every line. Not many lyricists can say that when it comes to relating with me. Well done.


And I just wanna know, I wanna know without a doubt
Would you leave him if I got close to your mouth
And I just wanna know, I wanna know without a doubt
Did you felt like ending it or was the whole thing my fault


Great use of "And I just wanna know, I wanna know without a doubt" twice. Very effective in this stanza.


And I wonder if you’d be happier if we were still together
I wonder if you think about it, but now it doesn’t matter
I wonder if we’re trough and this will be just another story
I wonder if I’ll ever have the guts to tell you I’m sorry


Definately the highlight of your piece. My favorite stanza. Perfect description of uncertainty of what could've been and the emotion is strong.


And I wonder what you’ll think if you listen to this song
I wonder if you’ll hate it or just love it and sing along
I wonder if you’ll dance all crazy like you’re on crystal meth
But mostly I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing you to death.


This is a good ending but the only thing I didn't like was the line "I wonder if you’ll dance all crazy like you’re on crystal meth" it doesn't seem to fit, but it does provide the perfect rhyme for death in the following line. Other than possibly changing that line, I believe it is flawless and needs to become a song.

Very well done indeed. If you have the time please crit my first song:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1201038
I need feedback badly.
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#4
Quote by Acronikos

This is a good ending but the only thing I didn't like was the line "I wonder if you’ll dance all crazy like you’re on crystal meth" it doesn't seem to fit, but it does provide the perfect rhyme for death in the following line. Other than possibly changing that line, I believe it is flawless and needs to become a song.



working on the arrangement, but still need a decent singer