#1
i wish i could safe you but i know very little about capes and cloaks
so i just wore this shirt and you laughed said i was no superhero
but i perservere(?) and just walk with my head high altho
tears were streaming down my cheeks but it was alright
because batman is on tv tonight.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
I like this.
The idea is good.
But I think the lines need rewording to make them shorter as there are many unnecessary words.
Ex. You don't need to keep saying 'I' in the first line. Maybe twice but not 3 times. you don't need to use the word 'just', that is a terrible word for poetry.
Try and fit the sentences together instead of using 'and' and it's save not safe, and perservere is right.
#3
You wana also have a part where he says something like

"Wanna be like batman, superman,spiderman, ant man,
aquaman, comet man, he-man, iron man,
marvelman, wonderman, x man, thermoman,
any of those, except for Jacki Chan"

Where its brocken down and says them fast repetetivly
Just an idea anyway
~Oli
#4
Quote by olij92
You wana also have a part where he says something like

"Wanna be like batman, superman,spiderman, ant man,
aquaman, comet man, he-man, iron man,
marvelman, wonderman, x man, thermoman,
any of those, except for Jacki Chan"

Where its brocken down and says them fast repetetivly
Just an idea anyway


Lol. Totally agree
#5
i wish i could safe you


Your writing should be shit when you do this, but somehow it's not. Why is it not?
#6
i actually didnt mind that line either and I usually dislike that type of wordplay. It's cause of the surroundings, of course, so props on that. I think the questionmark was a bad call, at least in parenthesis. Maybe a one or two word aside there instead could give a similar idea a little more fittingly. The ending was a little bit of a mood kill because it didn't focus on how tragic it is to watch batman and dream about the thoughts in this poem or something along those lines. It didn't make me think about that. It almost works... but not quite.

I enjoyed this. If you feel up to it, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1200526
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
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#7
Quote by Laces Out Danny
i wish i could safe saVe you but i know very little about capes and cloaks
so i just wore this shirt and you laughed and? said i was no superhero
but i perservere(?) and just walk with my head high although
tears were streaming down my cheeks but it was alright
because batman is on tv tonight.


This need punctuation. It's definitely readable, but not optimal.

Also, the sentence isn't good if you keep the "altho" in there. It's redundant.

I liked it. Not great, but good.

You now owe me two crits. Links in sig.
#8
thanks guys. It was meant to be from the perspective of a child, hence the erred spelling and run-on sentences.

@mamosa: two crits?! oh my. i'll get to it over the weekend.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#9
:d
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 17, 2009,
#10
Quote by jiminizzle
i actually didnt mind that line either and I usually dislike that type of wordplay. It's cause of the surroundings, of course, so props on that. I think the questionmark was a bad call, at least in parenthesis. Maybe a one or two word aside there instead could give a similar idea a little more fittingly. The ending was a little bit of a mood kill because it didn't focus on how tragic it is to watch batman and dream about the thoughts in this poem or something along those lines. It didn't make me think about that. It almost works... but not quite.

I enjoyed this. If you feel up to it, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1200526


I think I know what you mean...that the ending is silly and happy while the rest of the poem is tragic. It's intersting to see someone else's opinion on it.

I understand the "kill" feeling at the ending. I don't think a "broody" feeling at the end would fit, since the batman universe is what sustains the child, so that child just returns to it and is instantly happy and away from the real world, which makes him miserable.

however whether or not the reader will relate to that is another story. Obviously, since I had to take the time to explain all of this, I probably failed in trying to project that.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Sep 17, 2009,
#11
ok ok I get what your goal is and I think you have a good one. I still think the last line could maybe be molded a little more to make it better, perhaps through personallizing the escapism a little more? I feel a little ripped off by it? I mean to say the tone was too weak in the last line to give me the childish feeling. It feels a little hollow. It's good for what it is though and I enjoyed it nonetheless.


Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me