#1
Guttural roars punctuate the clanging silence,
a deafening, atmospheric calm reigns supreme
and the air seems to vibrate around me
as the king of the Jungle on my roof
rages and foams at the mouth.

With each bellow, blankets are squeezed tighter around a shaking body.
The airwaves of heaven are short circuited with surges of frantic prayers
spit out as hard as can be, thrown up like
Hot Wings vs. Stomach Virus round one.
A mini heart attack epidemic starts and ends in the blink of an eye
as the lights flicker and tease their captive audience,
people watching in hopes that if they stare lasers into the circuit breaker,
it won't fail them under the rage
of whatever the hell is throwing a temper tantrum on their roof.

That hair-stimulating calm turns into the shower of all showers,
and everyone is cleansed of whatever serenity they were still clinging to.
Fast.
With the buckets of window-shattering tears comes
panic injected with the syringe of God.
More blankets die of asphyxiation in the ultimate choke hold
that can only be produced by sheer terror,
as the tempest blows out the lights
like candles on the most terrifying birthday cake ever baked.

Gods inbox fills up faster than the gutters down on earth,
and he sits and giggles, clicking the "Delete" button
over, and over, and over.


And from the comfort of my blanket corpse, I listen to the wails of despair floating in from other houses in my neighborhood as god converts his precious Mother Nature to a bloodthirsty cannibal.



ots.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 16, 2009,
#2
i think this piece would be a lot better if...

there was no tense confusion.

anyway, this line
A mini heart attack epidemic starts and ends in the blink of an eye
i didn't like at all. and it keeps getting more and more ridiculous from there. Its like everything is exaggerated, everything is big and special... i mean, syringe of God? ULTIMATE CHOKEHOLD?
Your vocabulary (in this piece) might need some work.

ANYWAY

that's not to say there is nothing GOOD or INTERESTING in this piece, there is. Let me list a few things for you

The penultimate stanza is alright, interesting idea, but i think you need to work on it.
lights flickering and teasing is good.
i like the way "staring lasers into circuit breaker" sounds. thats great to say outloud. try it.
I like Hot Wings vs. Stomach virus. That has so many sensory details all wrapped into just a few words that... its excellent.

what comes up comes out
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
Guttural roars punctuate the clanging silence,
I dislike "clanging silence". First of all, "clanging" in and of itself is a terribly inelegant word that I dislike the sound of immensely. And second of all, silence rarely clangs.
a deafening, atmospheric calm reigns supreme
I get that you're going for the contradictory ideas. Like "clanging silence" and "deafening, atmospheric calm" but I just don't like it that much.
and the air seems to vibrate around me
as the king of the Jungle on my roof
I don't like the phrasing here.
rages and foams at the mouth.

With each bellow, blankets are squeezed tighter around a shaking body.
For some reason, I think "cry" would fit better than "bellow".
The airwaves of heaven are short circuited with surges of frantic prayers
I like this line. A lot.
spit out as hard as can be, thrown up like
Hot Wings vs. Stomach Virus round one.
Meh.
A mini heart attack epidemic starts and ends in the blink of an eye
Ugh. I get that the person is worried, but this is NOT the way to describe it.
as the lights flicker and tease their captive audience,
people watching in hopes that if they stare lasers into the circuit breaker,
it won't fail them under the rage
of whatever the hell is throwing a temper tantrum on their roof.
Eh.

That hair-stimulating calm turns into the shower of all showers,
I don't like this "hair-stimulating calm" either. Unless you're talking about the humidity frizzing up their hair, in which case I still don't like it.
and everyone is cleansed of whatever serenity they were still clinging to.
I don't like this contradictory idea either. This one sits particularly badly with me.
Fast.
With the buckets of window-shattering tears comes
panic injected with the syringe of God.
More blankets die of asphyxiation in the ultimate choke hold
Good one.
that can only be produced by sheer terror,
Useless line.
as the tempest blows out the lights
like candles on the most terrifying birthday cake ever baked.
Awful one.

Gods inbox fills up faster than the gutters down on earth,
and he sits and giggles, clicking the "Delete" button
over, and over, and over.
You hate god, don't you?


And from the comfort of my blanket corpse, I listen to the wails of despair floating in from other houses in my neighborhood as god converts his precious Mother Nature to a bloodthirsty cannibal.



ots.


I get that there is a storm that's freaking people out. And I get the contradictory phrases you used. I employ them occasionally, but I didn't like them here, even knowing that some of them were real, physical descriptions. Like a "deafening, atmospheric calm" describes the air before a storm. And being cleansed of serenity refers to the rain. But I didn't like it here.

Not great, man.

#4
Thanks for the crit. I love reading back on pieces I wrote like a week later. I thought this was wonderful at the time.


I'mma stop posting OTS stuff.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I do not like this. Too messy and wierd :-/

"More blankets die of asphyxiation in the ultimate choke hold" Just wierd
"A mini heart attack epidemic starts and ends in the blink of an eye" :-/

If you want https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1202780
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Hitler could have been aborted
#6
Yeah, you can tell its ots cause it jumps around a bit, leaving me (like the others) confused xD.

though i think the second to last stanza would have been a great ending,
the one you have is fine, but i think ending in the over, over, over, would be pretty awesome.

You should go back and organize this though,
i think it could be an awesome piece.
#7
I disagree with everyone, please post more OTS pieces. I loved this piece. It was very raw and original, if i had written it I would be proud. This has a real epic almost medieval tone to it with a hint of poisoned innocence. Wish I could describe it better but cant atm. Anyway I really liked this piece and wish to read more like it.