#1
I've got an acoustic guitar
and I hope to go far, but I highly doubt that
Just making up beats
here on the city streets.
Trying to get enough change to make it back home.

Where will I sleep tonight?
honestly I'd tell you if I knew.
maybe on a bench at a subway station,
or in an allyway by the zoo.
Just get me under a bridge and I'll be fine.

You see, this world is too built up on material things
from its skyscrapers
to f*cking calvin klien jeans
three car garages and a business degree.
I don't care if you've got all those things
'Cause they don't mean sh*t to me.
#2
I loved the anger instilled in the ending, the beats and streets rhyme was a bit predictable thought but good job =].
Quote by Ed Hunter
This God damned son of a bitch is right.
#3
Quote by sourmilk80
I've got an acoustic guitar
and I hope to go far, but I highly doubt that - I actually came to read this about an hour ago, and I exited the thread when I read these first two lines. That's how fast you lost me here. The rhyme is very cheesy.
Just making up beats

here on the city streets.
Trying to get enough change to make it back home. - This is wordy compared to the rest of it, and considering the nice little rhythm and strict rhyme scheme you had going, it sticks out alot and throws off the balance of the piece.

Where will I sleep tonight?
honestly I'd tell you if I knew. - Needs a comma after honestly. It would sound better.
maybe on a bench at a subway station, -Take out "on". It's perfectly fine with it, but this line seems a bit wordy to me.
or in an allyway by the zoo.
Just get me under a bridge and I'll be fine.

You see, this world is too built up on material things - You didn't need to say it that directly. Would have been better if you had just subtly implied this. You could do away with this whole line and I would still inderstand you perfectly.
from its skyscrapers
to f*cking calvin klien jeans
three car garages and a business degree. - This would be sooo much better if it was "a PhD"
I don't care if you've got all those things
'Cause they don't mean sh*t to me.



This was an alright idea that could have been done better. Alot of rhymes were kind of cheesy, and most of it was much too direct and straightforward. It was telling me what to think instead of showing me. You would have a little rhythm going, and then you would murder it with a line that was too wordy or a funky syllable count. Watch that next time.

It was passable. If you'd like to return the favor, crit the piece in my sig.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black