#1
Quicky word drop comp entry. I like it though.


The cathedral window;
it's a hallowed ground for me.
Day after melodramatic day,
I climb to the top floor and sit,
peering out the window.
Within minutes, I'm between hallucination
and a vestigial reality.
Strung out, watching the people as they
pace by doing unimportant things
with their useless little lives.
Feeling their insidious hope that one day,
when all other people have failed,
when the world is seemingly crushing down,
when the sky is quaking and the earth is vaporizing,
the gumption in their souls will see them through.

How do they not realize they are just as fractured as me?
That the spindle inside them is just waiting for an
opportunity to shatter into a thousand pieces;
they'll implode at that moment.
I know, I've seen it.
People walking down the street
crack-a-lacking a long, enjoying life;
BAM
something snaps.
They fall to their knees a broken son-of-a-bitch.
Tears and shouts to God and self-worthlessness.
It's beautiful.
The moment where the being realizes his frailty,
his insignificance. The moment where every goal he's
ever had falls away and he's left standing face to face with
a human... not a person;
a member of a species... not a capable intelligent being.

It deserves its own soundtrack.
It needs epic violin tracks in the background,
for this is the defining moment in every life.
After you know you're useless, do you keep living?

---

They call me Witness.
I've come accustomed to watching people break;
God has made it my purpose.
Ever since I broke, ever since I didn't keep living,
God wanted me to watch them. Ego-fellatio he called it.
I just have to watch,
as punishment for my 'poor decisions.'
If only God knew how much I love my job.
#2
hm. I like it okay. I think what I had trouble with was the words themselves. Some of them didn't seem to fit, some of them seemed too obvious maybe even cliche. Gumption just sounds silly. I like "spindle inside them" I don't know, not much else seemed to grab me. It was kind of like an out-of-body experience. Like I'm seeing something I shouldn't. Its a change of perspective that seemed to put the author above the reader and that made me uncomfortable. Then God says some things that seem a bit out-of-character (not a bad thing).

I guess I'm just having trouble seeing the point. It doesn't feel consistent, maybe. You are criticizing people for being useless and pointless. Maybe I just needed more context. I'd say, show don't tell, that way you eliminate the risk of sounding preachy. I want to see someone being useless and fragile and I want to see them BREAK. That is much more interesting than your sadist narrator talking about it.
what comes up comes out
#4
oh....well that changes everything.... good job then.

good to see you too.

still. i want to SEE it.
what comes up comes out
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Quicky word drop comp entry. I like it though.


The cathedral window;
it's a hallowed ground for me.
Day after melodramatic day,
I climb to the top floor and sit,
peering out the window.
I don't like the repetition of "window".
And "hallowed"... it's kinda... meh. It feels like you've delved into the Thesaurus for it, but came out with a branch that looked identical, instead of a whole new tree in parallel.

Within minutes, I'm between hallucination
and a vestigial reality.
I don't quite understand this. "hallucination and "vestigial reality" seem like the same thing. What relevance does it have?
Strung out, watching the people as they
pace by doing unimportant things
"unimportant" doesn't quite fit. I'm being very picky, though.

with their useless little lives.
"useless little lives" seems a bit forceful and overly determined. It's nice to see opinions in a piece, but within a boundary. imho, anyway.

Feeling their insidious hope that one day,
when all other people have failed,
when the world is seemingly crushing down,
when the sky is quaking and the earth is vaporizing,
the gumption in their souls will see them through.
All the "when's" seem typical and clichéd. I mean, we all write like that at some point, because it's 'cool'. It's dramatic, detailed and emotional--building up to something--and we all end up utilizing it. But it then loses it's quality.

How do they not realize they are just as fractured as me?
That the spindle inside them is just waiting for an
opportunity to shatter into a thousand pieces;
they'll implode at that moment.
I know, I've seen it.
I really like this, but the cockiness comes into play once again, and I don't really like that particular small part of it--namely the line, "I know, I've seen it."
People walking down the street
crack-a-lacking a long, enjoying life;
BAM
something snaps.
I know you were only trying to fill in the words from the competition, but this one altered the mood too much. I respect that you tried to cope with that change by continuing on with a kindred voicing, but it didn't work. Good effort, though.
They fall to their knees a broken son-of-a-bitch.
Tears and shouts to God and self-worthlessness.
It's beautiful.
This becomes sadistic now. I think the piece, as a whole, is kind of all over the shop. I don't know what to think, or how you think.

The moment where the being realizes his frailty,
his insignificance. The moment where every goal he's
ever had falls away and he's left standing face to face with
a human... not a person;
a member of a species... not a capable intelligent being.
More of this "the moment when... " " the moment where..." "it's all pinnacling to something..." something that isn't really there. This one had some strong emotion to it, but the build up prior didn't congregate enough of that emotion to allow me to really appreciate the latter example of it.

It deserves its own soundtrack.
It needs epic violin tracks in the background,
for this is the defining moment in every life.
After you know you're useless, do you keep living?
Very... ZACHARY.

---

They call me Witness.
I've come accustomed to watching people break;
God has made it my purpose.
Ever since I broke, ever since I didn't keep living,
God wanted me to watch them. Ego-fellatio he called it.
I just have to watch,
as punishment for my 'poor decisions.'
If only God knew how much I love my job.
Whoa. I don't know what's going on here at all.
This was okay, but I didn't really know what was going on most of the time. I can't quite pin-point what I didn't like about it. Apart from the failure to amaze me or interest me with character or poetic credence, it just pitta-pattered between a few self-believing thoughts and ideas that never concreted themselves together.
#7
read/appreciated

a few nitpicky things such as a handfull of words, articles specifically, that you could have dropped.
I felt a little too disconected from this. I'm walking away with the impression that you're a ghost/spirit or something of the like stranded here. I'm unsure of what you intended but it's what I'm left with. Apart from a few wacky words here and there due to the comp, this was... interesting.
Promises meant a lot back then.