#1
in a grass tunnel,
beneath the subway supper room, the
drawl of motor cars drinking oil through swirly
straws, i watch you eat rice with a fork and knife
and fix your collar with tasteful fingertips.
nails you painted red and yellow, innocent signs
that i hit and miss the chance to kiss your forehead
with an air of casualness. do you see the ants
forming a line behind you? the moths and cocoons
that permeate a permanent residence in your
flushed complexion? it's okay, i will take you anyways,
the nest in your hair where vagabond birds
fill in the vacancies, words you swallowed and
digested stuck in a cowardly organ medicine has neglected
to mention. a careless intestine, a loveless
impression that you left on the doorstep of my
cerebellum.

a little longing goes away,
a little longing goes a long, long way.
#2
i really enjoyed this. Lots of sensory detail, grass, sound of cars, the taste of oil, rice. Right from the get-go we are bombarded with these things, it makes it a very easy read, not at all boring. There is some really good sounds in here, vagabond to vacancy, permeate permanently, i like those a lot. Careless intestine, loveless impression. If I have any criticism it is about the ending

The ending: Is okay

but not as strong as the rest of the piece.

The punctuation in the piece: i think it needs some work. There are a few places that i stumbled over, if you read it out loud to yourself you will DEFINITELY catch them, and if you do not, then you can ignore me. Also i'd watch the enjambment and line breaks, there are a few spots that are iffy and again, my advice is to read it out loud to yourself.

The title: is okay

but its not very strong. I would change it, if i were you.

its like v-v-v-vomit.
what comes up comes out
Last edited by haunted_engines at Sep 17, 2009,
#3
thank you, the punctuation i agree with you on. its something i never think too much about, atleast making sure its proper. i just mainly put it in at first to compliment the flow and eventually go back and try to make it better. thank you for your helpful advice and your radiohead avatar.