#1
This needs a TON of work. Inspiration was seeing a weed and a flower next to eachother. Trying to be somewhat romantic, i KNOW it needs a huge amount of work. I would love some help, this is the first time I have really struggled to make a song, this girl is so worth it hahah.
Acoustic song by the way

thinking of ditching rhymes all together

Once I held no worthy seeds
Just one grew
a small withering weed
Once I held the value of dirt
Watering made no difference
I held no gift of life, only hurt


My weed slowly wilting away
craving to find the right soil
Nothing to lose, gaining dismay
will I find my match to bloom
Planting my weed in a patch of gloom

Help me grow, I'll be stronger
prune my flaws, I'll look nicer
I'll keep you by my side
Safe from pesticide

The weed beginning to move on
Found a beauty of a dandilion
Flowing in the wind, the simple sway
Stretching root and thorn


I now hold the value of two
All it took was a flower
to make my hope renew

Help me grow, I'll be stronger
prune my flaws, I'll look nicer
I'll keep you by my side
Safe from pesticide
#2
id sugest make it more abotu the metaphor and awesomness of that image. instead of what it seems to be. a song about a gardener.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
#4
Quote by GuitarStrings12
This needs a TON of work. Inspiration was seeing a weed and a flower next to eachother. Trying to be somewhat romantic, i KNOW it needs a huge amount of work. I would love some help, this is the first time I have really struggled to make a song, this girl is so worth it hahah.
Acoustic song by the way

thinking of ditching rhymes all together

Once I held no worthy seeds
Just one grew
Flow issues. I suggest bringing the following line up to this one.
a small withering weed
Once I held the value of dirt
Watering made no difference
I held no gift of life, only hurt
Bad rhyme. Hurt/dirt isn't so good. Plus, hurt and life are not antonyms....

My weed slowly wilting away
craving to find the right soil
Nothing to lose, gaining dismay
I'd use the word "feeling" so the rhyme doesn't seem forced.
will I find my match to bloom
Planting my weed in a patch of gloom
So your penis is the weed, and her vagina is a "patch of gloom"? Yeah, I'm sure this girl will be ecstatic once hearing this song

Help me grow, I'll be stronger
prune my flaws, I'll look nicer
I'll keep you by my side
Safe from pesticide
The last line is too short. Maybe say "all the pesticides".

The weed beginning to move on
Found a beauty of a dandilion Sp
Flowing in the wind, the simple sway
Should be "a simple sway"? Maybe?
Stretching root and thorn


I now hold the value of two
All it took was a flower
to make my hope renew
Eh.

Help me grow, I'll be stronger
prune my flaws, I'll look nicer
I'll keep you by my side
Safe from pesticide


I really think this song could be a metaphor for sex 'n' lovin'. Obviously, you couldn't get it up. You don't like her patch of gloom anymore, and moved on. She won't like that.

Seriously though, it's meh.
#6
Great metaphor for sex btw. How she doesn't excite you... you leave her, etc.
#7
I really like it raw. The fact that it is acoustic will give you a lot of flexibility in the delivery, which of course could make a world of difference. I love the imagery.

I am going through a hell of a dry spell in writing. Believe me, it is not for lack of drama. So, I guess I envy you being able to take that from a simple image. Good job.