#1

I guess you don't have to try so hard
to impress me now that your in love.
Your satisfied
and you found someone to be the puzzle pieces
cause you couldn't shove them
into place yourself, like the
rest of us always do

It makes my guts feel numb and empty
when i see you take up with the enemy.
You're fatal and
your a juggernaut if it gets you something
you think you really want;
but you can't convince yourself
out of loneliness

I could never handle it as well as you-
the guilt slipping through my fingers
Life is a cancer
that is caused by everything and everyone
and grows and grows until
your brain overdoses on
what you thought might save you.


I need any criticism for any kind of return. Any suggestions would be nice too.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Sep 18, 2009,
#2
I hope you don't mind, I'm going to really dig into this?

Quote by hippieboy444

I guess you don't have to try so hard
to impress me now that your in love.
For a start, the line-break here is undesirable. To me, breaks can be used to allow for a rest--both in tongue and in mind. It also allows for rhythmic patterns to take shape, so that the reader can become more involved with what is going on specifically and as a whole. But there was no need for a break here, it should of been subtle. It should of flowed. Try not to draw attention to a part of something that has no desirable qualities.
Also, I can't see a reason as to why you purposefully misspelt you're with "your". It's an easy and common mistake so don't worry, I'm just pointing it out.

Your satisfied
and you found someone to be the puzzle pieces
Once again, it's like you have something to say with line-breaks, yet there is nothing jumping out at me.
"puzzle pieces" is quite ugly, tbh. I like the idea, I really do, but it may need rewording--although it's going to be hard because the thought may get lost in the reorganisation.

cause you couldn't shove them
into place yourself, like the
rest of us always do
This is sweet idea, but it's lacking in any real character. At the moment, it just seems too bland and inert. I think you need to add a spark or taste of something--it doesn't matter what it is.


It makes me guts feel numb and empty
Again, I'm not quite sure why you used "me" instead of my? It reminds me of A Clockwork Orange, just because it has the word "guts" in it and it uses humorous, haphazard, rebellious linguistics. It like the simplicity, though.

when i see you take up with the enemy.
I really am not fond of this. It ruins the preceding lines openness and unashamed dishevelment.
You're fatal and
your a juggernaut if it gets you something
you think you really want;
but you can't convince yourself
out of loneliness
This desperately needs reworking. I have no idea what is going on; it trips over itself so often. As a starting point, phew... anywhere.

I could never handle it as well as you-
the guilt slipping through my fingers
Life is a cancer
that is caused by everything and everyone
and grows and grows until
your brain overdoses on
what you thought might save you.
This has a really glowing sense of unhappiness and anger. The flow is hard to get into, but once you do, it's a real joy. I'd say it's the highlight.
I don't wanna nit-pick anyway, because you already know what I will say and where, so it will just seem pointless.



I need any criticism for any kind of return. Any suggestions would be nice too.
This was quite sad and touching but really needs a thorough scrubbing over.
#3
That's how most of my pieces are; they always need work. I apologize for the spelling mistakes

EDIT - here's my revised

I guess you don't have to try so hard
to impress me now that you’re in love.
You’re satisfied
and you found someone to be the puzzle pieces
because you couldn't shove them
into place yourself and get
Over the pain like I do

it makes my guts feel numb and empty
but it’s not like you care either way it goes
you’re fatal and
you’re a juggernaut if it gets you out of
The loneliness and the
Solipsism you force me
To immerse myself in


I could never handle it as well as you-
Lying until cancer is the cure
Life is the cancer
that is caused by everything and everyone
and grows until your brain
overdoses on the thing
That meant the most to you
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Sep 18, 2009,