#1
[The hate.. it builds
Leading men to kill]

Don't like the title, just threw something up. Don't like where this went[meaning-wise], but I kinda started to like how it sounded. What's writing without venting anyways... all crit more than welcome. Even bashing. Thanks.


The life you live
Is an ever slipping hill
Falling to the ocean
You can breath the water now
Fall into the ocean
Fill your lungs and slumber

The tranquility it brings
Isn't all that it seems
The hate it builds is so pure
That fire seems both sin and cure
And I can see the light
Emerging from your soul
I blow it up and then feel whole

I make you go away
So I can start to feel the pain
I hold your head in liquid
And feel the life in you go placid
So now what place are you in?

I kicked you from first
I put you in that hurst
I drove it off the cliff
And then lit up another spliff


Nothing seems to decay but
Knowing that you never learned to pray
It allows me to contemplate
The places that you'll see and the pain you'll bare
It puts a smile on my face when I know that you're not here

Falling to the ocean
You can breath the water now
Fall into the ocean
Fill your lungs and sleep
Falling to the ocean
Your past is misery
Fall in to the ocean
Soon you'll be a memory
Last edited by Skatanic241 at Sep 18, 2009,
#2
Quote by Skatanic241



The life you live
Is an ever slipping hill
Falling to the ocean
You can breath the water now
Fall into the ocean
I didn't like the repetition here. Doesn't really fit in if you ask me
Fill your lungs and slumber

The tranquility it brings
Isn't all that it seems
The hate it builds is so pure
That fire seems both sin and cure
I get what your trying to say here, but the forced rhyme really killed this line. The line also didn't make sense. See what you can do to replace the word cure
And I can see the light
Emerging from your soul
I blow it up and then feel whole
This line is way too blunt to be in here. Even though this song is about death, it has more of a poetic feel to it. Also, here's the forced rhyme again.

I make you go away
So I can start to feel the pain
I hold your head in liquid
And feel the life in you go placid
So now what place are you in?
This stanza was good

I kicked you from first
I put you in that hurst
I drove it off the cliff
And then lit up another spliff

Wasn't quite sure what you were doing here

Nothing seems to decay but
Knowing that you never learned to pray
More forced rhyme imo
It allows me to contemplate
The places that you'll see and the pain you'll bare
It puts a smile on my face when I know that you're not here

Falling to the ocean
You can breath the water now
Fall into the ocean
Fill your lungs and sleep
Falling to the ocean
Your past is misery
Fall in to the ocean
Soon you'll be a memory
This stanza, especially the second half, was just amazing. I actually grinned while reading it! It fits so perfectly and sounds so beautiful. Probably one of the best lines I've read in a while now


My criticism is in green. And poetry doesn't have to rhyme you know
Really, you're better off just not having the lines rhyme if the only way you can make them rhyme is by forcing them in.

Do you think you could crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1199175
#3
Quote by Skatanic241
[The hate.. it builds
Leading men to kill]

Don't like the title, just threw something up. Don't like where this went[meaning-wise], but I kinda started to like how it sounded. What's writing without venting anyways... all crit more than welcome. Even bashing. Thanks.


The life you live
Is an ever slipping hill
Falling to the ocean
You can breath the water now
Fall into the ocean
Fill your lungs and slumber

The tranquility it brings
Isn't all that it seems
The hate it builds is so pure
That fire seems both sin and cure
And I can see the light
Emerging from your soul
I blow it up and then feel whole

I make you go away
So I can start to feel the pain
I hold your head in liquid
And feel the life in you go placid
So now what place are you in?

I kicked you from first
I put you in that hurst
I drove it off the cliff
And then lit up another spliff


Nothing seems to decay but
Knowing that you never learned to pray
It allows me to contemplate
The places that you'll see and the pain you'll bare
It puts a smile on my face when I know that you're not here

Falling to the ocean
You can breath the water now
Fall into the ocean
Fill your lungs and sleep
Falling to the ocean
Your past is misery
Fall in to the ocean
Soon you'll be a memory

I like it, some parts are repetitive and some rhymes seem kinda forced but its pretty good.
crite mine ? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1202523