#1
c4c, leave a link


[size="3"][size="7"][B]Chambered,[/B][/SIZE]
[B][size="5"]Entrapped[/SIZE][/B] by [U]words[/U] that only seem to make sense [I]minutes[/I] before [size="1"]death;[/SIZE]
[B][size="5"]Entrapped[/SIZE][/B] by [U]words[/U] that have such a [size="1"]holy[/SIZE] [B][size="4"]effect[/SIZE][/B].

I [U]am[/U] the [I][size="5"]watcher-[/SIZE][/I]
The [I][size="5"]entertained;[/SIZE][/I]
The [I][size="5"]self-interested[/SIZE][/I] [U]felon[/U] that [B]stalks[/B] the land for amusement.
For [I]enjoyment[/I] in the [B]suffering[/B] of [U]others.[/U]

My [B][size="4"]art[/SIZE][/B] is [I]well[/I] [U]composed[/U]
With many [U]colors[/U] and [U]geometric[/U] [I]meaning[/I],
Though not [B][size="4"]unanimously[/SIZE][/B] [size="2"]favored[/SIZE].

I [U]am[/U] the [I][size="5"]watcher-[/SIZE][/I]
The [I][size="5"]entertained;[/SIZE][/I]
The [I][size="5"]victim[/SIZE][/I] to the [U][size="2"]persecutions[/SIZE][/U] that [B]stalk[/B] the land in [I][size="2"]amusement[/SIZE][/I].

I am a [B][U][size="5"]liar,[/SIZE][/U][/B]
[size="1"]But I will always speak the truth.[/SIZE]
I am a [B][U][size="5"]Victim,[/SIZE][/U][/B]
[size="1"]Though I will persecute those who have wronged me[/SIZE].

[size="2"]I am a selfless and noble man,[/SIZE]
[size="4"]Though only in the interest of my benefits[/SIZE].  [/SIZE]
#3
I really dislike gimmicky pieces like this. Pieces should be able to stand on their merit rather than requiring odd formats to shine. It reminds be of Dylan's older pieces.

That said, I thought the piece was pretty decent. I liked the contradictory lines you threw in there and quite enjoyed the overall feel. I do think the piece could stand alone.

I actually kind of felt like this was a letter with words cut out of a magazine maybe it's just me.


Crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1203066
#4
I agree with mamosa. You're using all the formatting as a crutch. I have a tendency to do this too, at times. Rely on the words themselves and not cheesy formatting to force it down people's throats.

When you take away the formatting, you get this:

My art is well composed
With many colors and geometric meaning,
Though not unanimously favored.

I am the watcher-
The entertained;
The victim to the persecutions that stalk the land in amusement.

I am a liar,
But I will always speak the truth.
I am a Victim,
Though I will persecute those who have wronged me.

I am a selfless and noble man,
Though only in the interest of my benefits.


And it turns kinda meh. Next time, wow people with your words. Not crazy formatting. If you wanna hit the piece in my sig that would be great.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Dylan's older piece never did this. though Steve (hurtwithin) and I had one satirical piece that vaguely resembled this.

honestly, I thought this worked and I thought your premise was enriched by the stylistic choices you made. first three lines especially were very well done.