#1
EDIT: I POSTED A COMPLETE BACKSTORY AT THE BOTTOM POST.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showpost.php?p=21972707&postcount=8

this is the first song i've ever written, so i need some criticism and any help possible. Its not finished yet either. This song is about a guy that takes advantage of people by convincing them that he is the new god or a preacher of a new god. He then gets people to pay homage to the church/cult and uses it for himself.

Verse
GO. He will lead you to salvation,
if you pay your dues.
You will hope and pray,
he will fabricate.
These things he's told you,
are not true, but are false.
The money you give goes
to his own greed.

Chorus
Look around and see,
the scarcity of morality.
(didn't finish rest of chorus)
Last edited by DuhSpesoBoyz at Oct 14, 2009,
#2
Please take a minute to go read the forum rules regarding thread titles. I'll fix this one for you but check them out anyways so you know for the future.

Thanks.

#3
Quote by bassbeat77
Please take a minute to go read the forum rules regarding thread titles. I'll fix this one for you but check them out anyways so you know for the future.

Thanks.


i changed it to

Agnostracize (First Song) c4c
#4
I like the chorus! I guess this is some kind off metal song?

But in the verse, are not true, but are false, doesn't seem to fit to me!

If you want https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1202780
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#6
Quote by DuhSpesoBoyz

Verse
GO. He will lead you to salvation,
if you pay your dues.
maybe introduce the idea of paying dues before the 'GO' at the beginning? That would make the progression feel more natural
You will hope and pray,
he will fabricate.
'fabricate' feels very out of place. It's used without a subject, so we have no idea what he will fabricate, and that's exactly what we need to know. That's where you can have fun with description
These things he's told you,
are not true, but are false.
Too many words for the obvious, and they're obviously fabricated (see what I did there?) so as to make it rhyme. Not true' means 'false', got it? We don't need to be told twice
The money you give goes
to his own greed.
'to feed' maybe? It can't physically go 'to' his own greed, it has to go towards doing something to his greed.
The problem with this verse is that you've just told me all of these things but not given me any reason to believe them. You've haven't told me what he's done, or even made him a character I feel I have any relation to at all, so it's all irrelevant. If you start to describe what he does you can progress the writing much further as you'll be able to do more with imagery, and that'll make the reader/listener more entertained. Here you're just lolloping all over the place with the same idea.


Chorus
Look around and see,
the scarcity of morality.
(didn't finish rest of chorus)


Finish the rest of the song. Get the whole story, whole idea, written down. Then bring it back. You've explained it in the bit before your lyrics, now put it into lyric form. Otherwise there's very little to crit.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 21, 2009,
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Finish the rest of the song. Get the whole story, whole idea, written down. Then bring it back. You've explained it in the bit before your lyrics, now put it into lyric form. Otherwise there's very little to crit.

Verse
Pay your dues.
Then you will be led to salvation,

You will hope and pray.
He will fabricate,

A web of lies.
Bull**** in disguise


The money you give goes
to feed his own greed

Chorus
Look around and see,
the scarcity of morality.
(didn't finish rest of chorus)

I switched dues and salvation. I made it more clear what hes fabricating
he will fabricate.
These things he's told you,

This was orginally hows its meant to read. but i like the new version better. I also added feed his own greed. This is going to be a TDWP, or post-hardcore song so it will read different than how it will sound. Thanks for criting.
Last edited by DuhSpesoBoyz at Sep 21, 2009,
#8
I decided i should write out a full back story to the song and then do a rewrite of the song from that story.


A lower-middle class man (jed) is fired from his job. He somehow decides to start a religion so he can make some money from the tributes. He eventually obtains a large amount of followers and has a lot of power. He takes advantage of this and burns books that he disagrees with, this eventually turns into people and the banning of free thought.


He promises that if you hope, pray and pay tribute he can bring you along with him to heaven. He writes a book, his own bible, dictating the life to be led by his followers. In it free thought is banned and strict laws are to be follwed by penalty of drowning.


One of his followers (ike) was pushed into the religion for fear of death and never believed in his 'teachings', but because it brought hope to people and that (jed) appears to believe in what hes teaching. (Ike) decides to go with the flow. He eventually discovers that (Jed) is just cheating everyone out of money and doesnt truly believe in his teachings.


(ike) tells everyone about (Jed) and his lies. The people are scared to believe him. The decide to banish him. Soon they find evidence that says that (ike) was right. The people form a mob and capture jed. They bring him to a lake. They yell " you couldnt just take our money. You had to take our trust. You had to make fools out of us." Then they drown jed.
Last edited by DuhSpesoBoyz at Oct 14, 2009,