#1
Was I glad to see --
composure,
hair dyed red;
such a fantasy --
in my bed
soot stained for
longly dread.

In a whitescribble --
coughed on doors,
can't remove
the hair from the floor.
stuck again
another city.

nuetured like a cat --
removed lust
laid sessile
basking in the sun
nevermind
bored again
sucked back into sex.
against will.
against will;
when will I just learn?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
Damn.

I don't like "longly". It's just kinda bleh. "whitescribble" didn't do for me what it seemed like you wanted it to do.

But other than that, I like it alot.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I don't much like the short line breaks. It's like there is something you want to say but they're left out in between those lines.

what stood out for me was the stanza:

I liked the
In a whitescribble --
coughed on doors,
can't remove
the hair from the floor.
stuck again
another city.

It gives a sense of "wet stickiness", with subtle metaphors to the city, and how every city has that same sticky place in each of them, and there is no escape. You could expand on it much more though, and not just a brief passing like it is here.

(also, it made me think of a hairball, ha ha, but it's clearly not that :/)


I have a piece in my sig if you'd like to crit it.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Sep 20, 2009,
#4
Yeah, I don't like whitescribble too much either!

I like this part thou

Was I glad to see --
composure,
hair dyed red;
such a fantasy --

edit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1202780

If you could
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