#1
This is a poem I wrote....I guess it would be considered freeverse. My band turned it into a song, and we have it recorded. If there's enough interest, I may put a link up, but first I'd like it to be critiqued based just on the words themselves.
C4C, and it's okay to be harsh. I'll take any advice I can get.


If looks could kill,
I'd stare at you all day
until your heart stoped beating
and your lungs stoped gasping for air.
(your lungs stop gasping)

If these thoughts were real,
I'd think my self so far away.
So far away from here.
(I'd never see your face again)

And I think I...
I think I need another
little yellow pill.
And I think I...
I think I'm ready to
Go in for the kill.

Cuase when you're lonely,
You really don't have much to lose.
Sitting in this church,
I pray upon these worn out pews
For there to be another way.
(I know there is no other way)

And I don't care at all.

and If looks could kill,
I'd stare at you all day
until, your heart stops beating
and your lungs stop gasping for air
(Your lungs stop gasping)

If these thoughts were real,
I'd think myself so far away.
So far away from here.
(I'd never see your face.)

I'd never see your face again.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#2
I dig this! Reminds of something you might hear from Motorhead. It shows that you have a sense of humor and that's always cool!
#5
Nice!

But this one is wierd:
I'd never see your face again.

If you want the guy to be dead, why then say "I'd never see your face again." Isn't that like a good thing?

If you want https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1202780
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#6
this would be a decent hardcore song. good luck with whatever style you guys play. Hook us up with link to mp3.
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I'm so underground that I make up bands and songs in my head and don't tell anyone about them.