#1
Hi,

We've never met but we always catch eyes and I'm not sure whether or not to say hello. I know we both live on the same floor and will catch each other sometimes on our ways out; I know you have some kind of art class Thursdays afternoon because you always walk out with a sketchpad and a slouchy hat or bright-colored pants, something that will make you seem to stick out and blend in with the other sticky-outties. Anyway, I thought I'd break the ice. I'd give you my name but it wouldn't matter because you wouldn't recognize me. I'm the person with the funky yellow shoes and spotted cat you might see prowling around when I can't get her inside. She can always spot out good people from bad people and she's how I started paying more attention to you; she was sitting outside of your doorway once and I came by to get her and caught a wiff of home. I'm not sure if it was cookies and vacuum debris or burning wood and momma perfume but all I could think of was climbing a tree in my old backyard and watching the sunrise after sneaking out.

You don't want or need to hear any of this, not right now, but I think we've met in a past life and I'd like to rekindle. I don't mean to sound like a philosophical douchebag or anything... Though I can be sometimes...


I should stop writing before processing my thoughts, bad habit, lots of babbling


Like now. I'm babbling. I should end this. You're very cute

- (name)
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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I feel the same way.
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#3
This was a decent read with nothing for me to critique, except the fact that it lacks any real point or occurance. It's like it's a silly little journal note from a school girl--which is really sweet--but doesn't leave anything lasting for me personally.
Though, if you'd made this more adult and mature, it would of become pontifical and "oh so poor poor me, I can't talk to boys." But because of it's youthfullness it sidetracked all that and stuck to the point; a point that didn't hit me hard enough to remember.

#4
Meh.

Hi Saadia, I'm about to rape your piece. Mildly sorry

This was uninspired and toneless. You sort of captured the essence of "young shy girl" in lines here and there, and by throwing in words like sticky-outties; but for all the parts between those lines you basically just threw in half-assed rambly ideas that didn't build on one another or go anywhere. To be honest, this read like a drunken journal entry of a girl who just realized she hasn't kissed any of the cute boys at school. It lacked charisma, definition, and anything to garner much interest.

I applaud you for trying something new, as always; that is always a plus, but here you didn't take the idea far enough. You got caught up in the character in your head and never built enough character in the piece for us to relate to or even particularly care about. So sure, you caught whiffs of a mood here and there, but on the whole this came across as underdeveloped. Like you had this brilliant idea (Which it could be if done well) and didn't flush it out, but instead wrote it as fast as you could and posted it. I know you can develop an idea; I've read before when you have and it can be glorious... but this was just weak and felt half-hearted.



If you want, Faded in sig.
#5
Honestly I dont remember writing this, and I'm pretty sure the speaker is supposed to be a boy. I'd delete it but what's done is done and it's mildly amusing. I wasn't drunk at all (I'm at home this weekend and my typing is very much coherent) but it is written at 4:10 am so... I'm guessing I was half asleep...? Maybe? I wish I knew what was behind this but I doubt it was anything deep.


I miss you two, though. Long time no talk. Thank you for the hearts.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
I totally thought it was a girl. After all, it isn't unusual for girls to wear bright colored pants.... Eh, whatever. Point is, I thought it was a shy schoolgirl, but even if that had been executed perfectly, I still wouldn't have cared.
#7
I somewhat agree with AngryGoldfish in that it is what it is, an enjoyable read. And I did truly find it enjoyable. I found the quirkiness of the narrator oddly relatable and somewhat pitiful which I think allowed me to tap into this more than others did. Whether you wrote this half-awake or not, I still found a little bit of me in there which was a pleasant surprise.

In that respect, I feel I'm sort of biased when critting this because I really don't think you should change anything about it. So I apologize about this lame "crit" but I promise to get you a real one the next time. I just didn't want to fish around for places to improve when I honestly love it the way it is.
here, My Dear, here it is